tired & smell like poo

yes its true!
i am tired and i smell like poo.

its 734am and i want to go to bed.
i want to elevate my swollen ankles on a pillow.
i want to elevate my fuzzy head on a pillow and dream sweet unrelated-to-nursing dreams.
i want the garbage truck to stop going BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEP grrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrr BEEP BEEP BEEP all down the sidealley and the front street and the sidestreet and the backstreet.

i want the power to have not gone out while i was at work so i could be sitting here in stinky, fatigued, misery waiting out the garbage truck by watching a taped show instead of having to worry about re-setting my alarm and not sticking my head out the window to yell SHUT UP I AM TRYING TO SLEEP.

there is so much going on and the sun has yet to rise.

bubble bursting

there are two kinds of bubble bursting in life (according to me at least).
there's the kind where you realize that something isnt as you expected/believed/hoped/dreamed and is in fact rather crappy. kind of like today at work when i thought things were going relatively well and we were all getting along and helping each other (so we wouldnt strangle the incessant Bell Ringers that we were forced to endure as patients) and there were jokes and kind words. and i sit down, innocently, minding my own business, at the nurses station and start catching up on some charting and working on an admission to the ICU bed and there are 3 other nurses sitting at the station too and they are talking in somewhat hushed tones. and the doctor on call comes along and starts doing his charting. and then a fourth nurses comes along and picks a FIGHT with one of the other nurses and suddenly there's yelling and swearing and name-calling and more swearing and red faces and crying and storming off in huffs and it was like a really bad girl fight that you'd expect from a pair of junior high girls who are crushing on the same guy or some other trivial thing that is blown out of proportion and its irrational and you really wish you could have stayed a few minutes longer in a patient's room, even the room of the Incessant Bell Ringer, just so you wouldnt be left at the table in the middle of a fight trying to disappear into a stack of paper work.
yea, that's the one kind of bubble bursting.

then there's the other kind of bubble bursting. you know, the good kind. the kind that makes you giggle and fall over because you are laughing so hard you lose muscle control (not that that ever happens to me...) the kind when you are being silly and carefree. the jumping around like a nut trying to burst soap bubbles kind. the popping a gum bubble on your face and having to pull it off your glasses kind. the mail-order protective cushioning popping kind. the kind you would experience it if was BUBBLE WRAP APPRECIATION DAY.

like tomorrow.
that's right, monday january 30th is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.
just thought you should know.
and maybe you'd like to play some online bubble wrap (popping!) games and find out your bubble wrap personality here
also, if anyone has some free time, i am interested in a bubblewrap dress....

uneventful friday

while y'all get ready to party it up tonight or go on an island adventure or just put your feet up and relax and do nothing seriously except procrastinate, i am getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. it feels like sunday. with all the laundry and dish-washing and meal-prepping and Night Before jitters.

the most exciting part of the day was probably when i went out to return some borrowed items to the library. on the way, i stopped in at the hardware store. The really big split-level one on the side of the highway (apparently there are three hardware stores in town.). I never went in there before because i was never sure where the entrance was. Today i went in.
I like hardware stores. they have all kinds of fun things. I bought nails. Now i have a pocket full of nails. could the day get any better?

yes. today is He Is A Scientist From The Past Day!
fun fun!

it reminds me of all the crazy notions of time in The Time Traveler's Wife. Good book.
i think i'll go watch the clouds now. clouds do crazy things sometimes. wouldnt want to miss it.

unpauper penalty

i had school today.
it was weird. there were only 5 of us, 6 if you counted the nurse who was just auditing the course (she never got to do any of the role playing). we did a lot of role playing.
it was sort of fun.
the instructor would tell us we had a baby coming and we had to get already and ask her all sorts of questions so we would know what to expect/which equipment to get ready. And then she'd hand us this baby and say ITS LIMP AND BLUE. (that wasnt the only thing wrong with it, it was also missing an arm and its remaining arm tended to fall off). and then we'd practice saving the baby.
sometimes we had to intubate. i couldnt figure out why we had to practice/pretend to intubate this baby (which was funny because when it got to the point where we had to intubate, we'd trade the baby in for just a head with balloons for lungs) since we are not allowed to intubate. and we never actually learned how to intubate (which is why we all intubated the esophagus instead of the trachea, but it was fun playing with the laryngoscope and having the secondary nurse hand you stuff like you were some big shot health professional) but they still asked us all kinds of unfair questions on the written exam about how we would fix the laryngoscope placement if we had too much esophagus or too much tongue. i didnt think that was very fair.
i think we should be able to intubate. what if the baby is delivered before the doctor shows up (or there's twins and the specialized team isnt in from some other town) and we start resuscitation and get to the point of intubation before there's an intubator available? what if?
crazy things tend to happen in small towns with limited, certified staff.

the part of the day that wasnt fun was lunch.
maybe it was because i didnt bring any pink apple pie for lunch.
maybe it was because i tried to make a new friend and she became irrationably angry and was yelling at me about how unfair it is that i can get a larger third of my provincial loans paid off than she can and why isnt there a limit on the reduction so everyone gets the same amount reduced and why is she being penalized for having a smaller loan than i?

uh... isnt a third, a third? and isnt it actually i who is suffering by having a huge loan? as if i chose to owe 10 times more than her. she didnt even seem satisfied with the knowledge that even though i will save a greater amount than her, i will still be paying more because my federal loan is 10 times higher than hers.
it was awful. she was mean. and i couldnt figure out why she was mad at me and why she was mad in the first place (If someone is paying off your loan because you work in the town you grew up in and love and inhabit with your husband, shouldnt you be grateful and maybe even happy? instead of being the lonely spinister in town who owes a ridiculous sum of money?). This is the type of person who votes conservative.

edit: its probably a good thing i didnt bring any pink apple pie because she probably would have been mad at me for that (she had a rice cake sandwich for lunch).

fitful and strange, Beth strange

its one of those strange nights where you feel like the night air is you, that you are it, that there is no beginning, there is no end and yet you question everything.

what do i want?
what do i want to do?
where do i want to go?
who do i love?
who should i love?
what should i take for lunch tomorrow?
should i go somewhere this summer? where?
would anyone notice if didnt do laundry this week?
is orange the new pink?
do cruel people get goodness?

z says: there's always a meal if there is pie. and who to love = pie.

thanks z! so helpful...

a wise woman has told me on a few occasions that it takes a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. i didnt forget to eat, i just forgot to buy groceries. but at least there is pie. how can i lose with pie? man cannot live by pie alone, but jv can try. meat pie, veggie pie, fruit pie, breakfast pie...

i was mean to someone today.
i was rude to someone today.
i shouldnt have been.
someone kept pushing me today.
they shouldnt have done that.
i am being vague.
i probably shouldnt be like that but this is my space. Precision, come not near.
you may think i am writing about you.
you may think i am writing to you.
chances are, you are wrong.

i have found paper to use for notes/doodles/letter-writing during my course tomorrow.
and there's pie.
do any of the questions left unaswered really matter now?
i cant answer that at the moment. i have just been told to go swab and flog, like a pirate.
aye aye!

the Ents shall inherit the earth

my fellow Ents may wish to check out the following:

What is your Entish name?

(its pretty good!)

a li'l procrastination

i am plum tuckered out (i went to the library AND ice skating AND curling today). and i am procrastinating.

you wonder: what does an employed out-of-school person have to procrastinate about?

well friends, i am delaying cleaning the bathroom (so boring) and studying for a course i am taking on thursday. yep, school on my day off. I have read 2-sevenths of the manual and its dull. But at least the diagrams make the pages go by faster.

anyways, i'm borrowing this nice quiz from anastasia (thanks!). if you need a little procrastination tonight, i suggest doing likewise.


To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla


It seems i am:


Entish

I did feel old today. Good to know that i am old, old as the mountains. And resilient. Like a weed or bacteria.

me + politics, one night only

true quote: "its so nice to see young people (like you) come out to vote"
blech.

so yea, i voted this morning.
these are my thoughts on voting:

• it was cold
• it was dark (the sun was still thinking about rising)
• do not do a nightshift and then stay up until the polling station opens. it will make everything seem surreal, like those movie dream sequences where someone is trying to take a test and all of the questions are grossly convoluted and they dont have an HB pencil and they cant remember how to spell their name and there's only 2 minutes left to write an 8-pg essay on the fall of civilization.

i did succeed in throwing the ladies into a tizzy. I was their first non-registered voter. They didnt know quite what to do with me. And one of the polling gentleman kept saying stupid things like "i sure hope my first unregistered voter is as easy as you. I sure hope they are all so easy and nice". Excuse me? I didnt know where he was getting these statements from. I marched up to the table, slapped down my ID and bill with correct mailing address on it and said "I'M NOT REGISTERED". Maybe its because i didnt beat around the bush. Buddy, i'm a non-nonsense nurse who needs a nap.

i think i was subconsciously annoyed at buddy because then i asked the lady who was trying to register me to elucidate the advantages to being on the national registry as opposed to opting out and remaining off The List. She had to consult the manual. She had no answers. I opted to remain off The List. I'm not going to agree to something just because "most people do it. It is easier to be on The List". Easier for what?!

and then i voted.

and then i felt let-down. all this hype about how important it is that i go vote and then it was so far from a big deal it was into imaginary numbers.

things i would rather do than vote
- write the CRNE again (because at least then you can make up really lame/funny answers to stupid questions. questions like "to whom would you go for guidance on topics for the church-based marriage class you are to lead", "johnny is hallucinating. what would you say to him?")
- give blood (because even though they tend to leave me with a bruise over the entirety of my forearm and part of my upper arm, at least they give cookies and juice. Man i could have used some this morning. I bet my blood sugar is under 4)

the darker side, the sadder side

Another night with no room in the Inn. We currently have some patients who act as if its a hotel. They make us want to kick them out or open a big can of Whoop-Ass...
It is so full that we snuck an extra bed into a single room. Luckily the patient on the secret bed is the husband of the woman occupying the room. It is so full that we parked a stretcher with a drunken teenager in a cubbyhole near the dietary office and all the policeofficers squished in there to charge the patient with all kinds of illegal hooliganism.

I had a feeling it was going to be a long night. As the night wore on, more and more facts came to light that supported this hunch.
Early in the night i was down at the end of the ward with another nurse getting a patient ready for bed. Now, i have learned that there is two types of Not Looking So Good. There's the first case, where you show up at work or school and a peer says "you dont look so good" but its the kind where you just need to go home and drink lots of juice and take some gravol or tylenol and many many naps and a hot shower and brush your hair and you will look better. And then there's the other type. The kind where your collegues tell you someone doesnt look so good and you go down to see them and you think you are prepared but then you actually see them and all you can think is holy fuck! they dont look so good. That was my patient. I'd seen him almost a month ago and he was sickly then, but now. Oh my. As the nurse and i prepared him for bed, i noticed this smell. Can you smell that? Yes, she could. It seemed to linger in the hallway. It was unpleasent. I asked her what she thought it was. At the other end of the hallway was a palliative patient who had a tube draining her liver. She thought it was that. I thought about it for awhile as the other nurse and i made rounds together (there's safety in numbers). Finally i realized what it was. "C", i said. "i think its... i think its" and then as the full realization sunk it, i timidly whispered "i think its the smell of death".

I spent the night surrounded by death. I have had patients die in the past (but never while i was present) but there are many different faces of Death. The ones i saw last night were not the same as the ones i've seen before or even each other. One patient we were all amazed was still hanging on. She was so shrunken in on herself that (forgive me if this is disrespectful to say so) she looked mummified. But she would make unintelligible sounds from time to time and if you looked closely, you could still see her chest rise and fall like that of a fragile bird.

I had a new patient tonight. He arrived yesterday when i was home sick. He was admitted with a stroke and i originally thought that he was quite stable. But as i cared for him through the night i began to see more and more signs that i had only read about in school. And it was interesting to be able to pick them out myself but sad when i realized they added up to a very poor prognosis for the patient. At one point i went to see the doctor on call about this patient because his blood pressure was getting dangerously high and the doctor confirmed my suspicions that there wasnt really any point in further interventions. The man had a bleed into his basal ganlia. He was not going to get better.

I had a patient in isolation. She seemed sick in the way that old people are sick. Not soon to die sick, but old sick. During the night she became very anxious and accused another nurse of keeping things from her. What arent we telling her? she raged. And that's when i learned that the doctor felt she was basically palliative.

I was sad for the patients who were wasting away in a hospital bed. It is sad to realize death is near. But for them, i wished it Godspeed for they didnt need to go on any longer in the state they were in. For the anxious lady, i knew she had more time and yet I was still surprised to make it to this morning without anyone dying.

b b B bB Bbb Bb b bB B bb B b

I am pleased to report that today is Day of the Beekeeper Day.

What an auspicious occasion! Tonight shall be about creamed honey on toast, honey in tea, and NO BEESTINGS.

It seems today is also National Hugging Day. Hugs are great; however, i recommend not putting the two together and hugging a bee (it may lead to a violation of the NO BEESTINGS rule)

""They can all lump it!" is your diagnosis. "

I was excited this morning for 2 reasons:

1) i had actually remembered to look at Girls Are Pretty early enough in the day to profit from it. Usually i dont remember until about 11pm in which case, the day is done and i feel cheated out of another special day.

2) it is Dont Give Up The Dream Day


And then i was dejected because:

1) i realized that YESTERDAY was Dont Give Up the Dream Day and i had missed out on it.

2) they havent updated the site yet meaning i wont know what today is until i get home from work tonight, thereby missing again the opportunity to live today in their random suggested fashion. Drats!

1.

I would like to talk briefly about success. Success is a strange concept. How do we measure it? How do we define it?

Last night, i attempted to make chocolate chip cookies. Good old C-3s. Some of you may remember the last time i tried to make them. I remember scooping them up with a fork to eat the chocolate chip hash. This time, my friends, this time i achieved chocolate chip cookie shape! They looked like cookies. They really did. The funny thing is, they werent nearly as tasty as the ones that barely resembled the traditional idea of a cookie. Was i actually successfull then?

Resolutions. My friends wrote me some resolutions for 2006. I like when they do this. I like when they are challenging but do-able (without compromising any of my serious morals/beliefs). So far, i have completed 1 of 9! And i would say it was a success. My challenge was to make Pink Apple Pie. And i did. I served it to my curling team tonight at our pre-game dinner and they were all very impressed. Who wouldnt be impressed by pink pie? And i even made a fancy criss-cross crust! It was showy and tastey too!

Curling. Another resolution is to win a curling game (and actually be there when my team wins). We felt good tonight. We felt confident to win. We lost. But the whole time, i honestly felt like we were winning (ask them! I told them that during the game!). Does that count?

I write now for clarification on a third resolution - save someone's life. Please specify what i have to do. Does the person have to be "coding" and then be revived? Jump start their heart? Or would say, catching that a person is having a silent heart attack count? Is this literal or figurative? Metaphorical? Metaphysical? Quantitative? Qualitative? Empirical?

Today i decided that i REALLY want to play hockey. I even went so far as to call the Ladies' Hockey Line for information. Is it too late to join the season? Do i have to be able to skate? All during curling i kept having these moments where i was just bursting to announce I WANT TO PLAY HOCKEY. I managed to keep it in. But i was very disappointed to return home and find that my phone call had been left unanswered.

Maybe tomorrow i will get what i am looking for. Maybe tomorrow i will discover what it is i am looking for. Maybe tomorrow i will not end my sentences with prepositions. Maybe tomorrow i will end my sentences with propositions.

edit: today i bought an apron. it told me to buy it. it seemed a good idea after my recent baking success, the realization that i'm a baking junkie, and the fact that it was PINK, FRILLY, and only 25 cents! Who could resist such an offer?!

whoa!

i just went to my page to chalk up a new post and when it came up i had to jump back! What the heck happened to my blog?! It didnt sneak up on me, it exploded in my face. Hello Change. This new colour scheme is quite the sassy statement. Z says i'm sassy enough to pull it off. We'll see.

So tonight i had band practice #2. This afternoon I had seriously considered not going . I was trying to make myself practice and i didnt have it in me. But then i realized that i rarely practiced in high school/university so why should i practice now? And yet, i was still grumpypants'd about going tonight. What gives? Now that its done for the night I've figured it out. Its the music. Its not that i'm a snob and its too easy for me. It isnt. I sucked. I played the rhythms wrong because i cant count and the wrong notes because i cant read the chicken scratch (and also, who the hell writes F flats and C flats for flute?!). The problem with the music is this: its big band and swing. Now, dont get me wrong, i really like swing and bigband. But to play? How many swing flutes or bigband oboes have you heard of? I rest my case.

Please please please can one more person make a snake-charmer joke while i'm playing oboe...

Now i am home, grumpy, with heartburn, and cold feet. Something about that septic-scented sous-sol (that's basement en français. i just wanted it for the alliteration) makes my feet cold and clammy. G-ross.
What is a good thing to do when one is grumpy and has heartburn? Make chocolate chip cookies (because something challenging really soothes the Grumpymonster and chocolate doesnt aggravate heartburn...). C-cubed, look out! Big momma's in da houz! She'z gonna bake you up right!

where have i been?! where are you from?!

1) Rootbeer shakes. The flavour is an obvious choice for A&W to serve and yet it seems i didn't know this. I had to order one. Drinking a milkshake while trekking up Cardiac Hill - what a workout. The shake was ok. Actually, it was sort of bitter. In fact, if it wasnt for the novelty of it, i dont think that i would finish drinking it. Give me a shake from White Spot or The Galley (best shakes on east shawnigan lake) any day.

2) Asking for NO SAUCE does not mean that i dont want the lettuce or the tomato. I do. Lettuce is a vegetable. Tomato is a fruit. Neither is a sauce. Geez. Where are you from?!

3) White tea. I have heard of black tea. I have heard of green tea. I have even experienced black & green tea TOGETHER. But white tea? What is that? Why so many funky new things? I'm still trying to figure out what rooibos is. I dont have time to try to decipher the meaning of white tea and where it fits in the grand scheme of things.

The Physiology of Dreams

This evening i was roused from my slumber with a question on my lips. What affects do dreams have on the body other than psychological? For example, if i my dream i am cold and can feel intensely the goosebumps, will those mind-based sensations translate into physical manifestations? If someone were to observe my body, would they see the flesh raise? The action of the erector pili?

In waking life, if a person is frightened (a psychological experience), there are noticeable physical reactions to that fright. Pupil dilation. Increased heart rate. Muscle tension. Possible sweating. If a person were to be severely frightened in dream life, would an observer note changes to their body similar to those experienced during wake states?

the Gospel according to Jelly Roll

Tonight's Hot Ticket:
New Orleans North

Impressions:
Oh mr. jelly roll, how sweet to me you be.

Strutting with some bbq?!? If i hadnt just experienced what my boss euphemistically called a "very busy day", i would be laughing til i lose muscle control!

silver linings?

This morning, as i prepare for another day at the mill (or the hospital. whatever.), a few good things from yesterday have come to mind.

Good Things

• i had a tasty power breakfast before going to work
• i wore, for the first time, the pink scrubs that my sister bought me for my birthday. they were very comfortable. they were very pink. like double bubble. i received several compliments on them. some of my colleagues started calling me Bubbalicious.
• my mentor LOVED the mittens i made her
• the snow was pretty to look at through my patients' windows, until it turned slushy
• there wasnt any vomiting
• they were no longer glueing down the new flooring (flooring glue STINKS)
• i had new curling shoes
• i didnt fall on the ice

Warning! Impending Meltdown

yes.

i am...angry.
if i wasn't so (insert inappropriate language here) tired, i would be very angry indeed.
i am angry about my job.
i am angry about my curling match (not about losing, i am very accustomed to losing).

today was the first day of my set (set = the shifts you work in a row/block until your next stretch of days off. My set is 2 days, 2 nights, 5 off). First days back suck.

Things that should have tipped me off that today was going to be a Terrible Horrible No-good Very Bad Day:

• being excited when i finally feel i'm about to sleep and then realizing that its 430am and my alarm goes off at 530am
• not realizing that there is a snowstorm outside until i'm already out the door, which of course makes me late for work because snow is a slow mofo.
• there are no Tums in the entire hospital. There are not even any hidden on the stock shelves of pharmacy.
• realizing that i am the only nurse in the entire floor that isnt in room #such-and-such helping a patient in distress (this means it is me, my inexperience, and 12 patients, including one with a possible heart attack, one going through alcohol withdrawal, and one in palliation with poor pain control)
• the power going out. more than once. IN THE HOSPITAL!
• being cross with my mentor (and unable to rationally approach the subject without forfeiting lunchbreak)
• being made to feel guilty for needing to eat something, at some point during the day so i dont get faint (not to mention extremely irritable and unable to concentrate. There are lives at stake here! Shouldnt i be supported in keeping in competent health? Really!)
• not having morning coffee.
• not having afternoon coffee.
• not having dinner break.
• having to move the same patient to three different rooms because their roomate has even less patience for their insanity than i do.
• having a 300+ lb man who hasnt taken off his boots (let alone cleaned any part of his body or house) in over 6 months admitted as my patient near the end of my shift as i frantically work through my dinner break to chart the past 11 hrs in the lives of 6 people so i can run across the town to play a game of curling that will send me home being very unhappy with myself.
• coming home and discovering that my house smells inexplicably of garbage.
• being too tired to rid house of stench

When i find the silver lining of today, i will let you know.

ps - thank you LV for letting me rant to you so that this blog wouldnt be an evil exploding rant and so that i could diffuse my anger enough to go to sleep. Go MUN! (or whatever it is you were working on when i called)

me and the post

As some of you may or may not know, i have a propensity for sitting next to/behind posts or potted plants. Tonight was no different.

On friday i joined the local community band. Tonight was my first time playing with them. My mom sent me an instrument by bus yesterday and i practiced some old music from high school. I wasnt too worried about tonight because i thought i sounded ok when i practiced. But i had forgotten to take into consideration the familiarity with the music. Now i have never been even a passable sight-reader but it has never shown in the past because there has always been a hoard of people playing my part or something like it for me to follow. This is no longer the case. What kind of band doesn't have any flutes?! Seriously. Flutes are the plague of musical instruments. And quite frankly, i hate playing it. It's the plague of my time.

The only thing worse than sight-reading unfamiliar music is sight-reading unfamiliar music that everyone in the band has been playing for the past 10-20 years, is handwritten in 75 year-old chicken scratch, and no one else is playing your part.

Half way through i stopped playing because i suspected my instrument was sharp. There had been no warm-up. Shouldn't we have had a warm-up to, you know, tune our instruments or something?!

In the band there are 3 clarinets, 1 bass clarinet, a trumpet, (an absent trombone), a tenor sax, an electric bass, and a percussionist. I sat between the clarinets (on the wrong side of them according to every other band i've been in across the country) and the post. On the other side of the post was the drum kit. Yep, me and the drums. Who sets up their band like this?!

I really should stick with the flute because it is the instrument i play the best and it would fit the best with what they already have, but i despise it. If i'm going to suck, i might as well suck on an instrument i like. Next week, i'm playing the oboe. Sure it'll sound unbalanced and i'll play it poorly but at least i can happily use the excuse that i'm still learning it.

by candlelight

it's 3 o'clock in the morning and i am not in bed.
i should be in bed.
fast asleep.
dreaming.
preparing to WAKE UP and START MY DAY
slowly tapering my sleep back to dayshift schedule

but no, i am awake
i would feel my being active at such an advanced hour justified if there was a good reason - bathroom flood to mop up, popcorn explosion to gobble up, friend in a different time zone to talk up
there is not.
i have spent the past 2 and a half hours putting blue paint on a piece of paper.
meh-ti-kyu-lus

stylin'

Tis Friday night and naturally i am stylin! I am sporting a fabulous dark blue jeans, yellow t-shirt, brown cardigan combo. The clincher is the cardigan. After wearing it for over 8 hours i noticed that i had somehow managed to put it on and button it while it was inside out!

List of Things to Do Tomorrow:
- learn to dress myself, properly
- learn to make chocolate chip cookies, recognizable as such

JV vs. the ER - Round 3, sock it to 'em!

Holy toledo, what a night!

I was first tipped off that it was going to be a memorable evening when one of the local doctors (who's wife is also a Dr) called to say they were bringing in their 5 year-old son. If two doctors are going to bring in their son to see another doctor, something's up. There was vomiting. There was pain. There was an ambulance trip to another hospital for air ambulance to another province for surgery.

Meanwhile, in my corner, elderly man with severe pain to neck, right shoulder, right arm, back, and right abdomen with shortness of breath and a history of cardiac problems. I got to see what a pacemaker looks like on a chest xray! I wrestled with the EKG machine. (Tis a good thing i learned how to use it last night because i had to do one on every one of my patients tonight and my mentor was busy with the child to be air-lifted out for surgery.) Oh, and the IV. This is how it went:

me: i am going to start an IV (there's no one else available. i need this. i have to do this. )
patient: ok. but i have no veins left. I had vasculitis and an embolism and deep vein thrombosis and surgery and now i have no veins left. They're all gone. Kaput. blah blah blah NO VEINS.
me: i am going to start an IV.

result: KAPOW! That's me NAILING it on the first try! The patient was stunned! I was stunned as i realized he was bleeding all over the place and i had no tape (damn!). The nurse who came to my rescue with the tape said it wouldnt hold because i hadnt done something and i said, oh it will hold. And it held! HUZZAH! The patient looks down at me crouched on the floor, nursing his new IV and says: high five to the nurse! And so i got a high five from my disbelieving 80 yearold patient. What a high! The doctor was totally impressed too. He had seen the patient and didnt think i would get it! I got another high five! Later my mentor, the doctor and i were talking about it and i was explaining what i hadnt done (that's different than standard nursing procedure) and why and they both agreed i was right to have done so! Woohoo! See my head, its getting bigger.

Next scene. I'm in the middle of admitting the guy with the lovely new IV to the ward for overnight observation when the ambulance calls to say they're bringing in a new guy with shortness of breath. Déjà vu! My mentor took over the old patient and i got to follow through with the ambulance transfer. He was having moderate respiratory distress but had no history of cardiac problems. What was ordered? An EKG! What else? An IV. I got the EKG ok. It had a lot of artefact (background noise) but it was clear enough for the doctor to see that the guy was experiencing some ischemia (precursor to an MI. recall MI = heart attack). I think it would be scary to be a patient, laying in wait for an impending heart attack. What happened with his IV? At first it seemed i had some time to play with it. But then the doctor realized it was becoming urgent. I had a bad feeling about it. I tried once. Twice. On the third time, the doctor set it up for me and guided me through it and was stunned when it failed. I was rather crushed. It brought me down hard after my winning IV high.Fitting result for letting Pride get the best of me? And of course the doctor got it on his first try. But then again, he's been doing this for awhile. I've really only been trying since yesterday. I dont think its an excuse. I think its a valid point. My mom says its ok that i keep missing. Arent moms always right?

It was busy. There was winning. There was failing (though we didnt lose anyone. A friend told me before me shift to tell my patients they were not allowed to code on me. I guess they heard because none of them did). But it was exciting to take charge and do things while waiting for the doctor to be able to exam the patient and give orders. And it was good for me (says my mentor) to have seen and tried so many things. Sure she's right, but i'm beat. When we made it down to the unit around 4am to hang out with the other nurses, i was so tired i was nauseated and giddy. And when one of the nurses asked my mentor what she was reading and she said The Beaver, i couldnt stop laughing. And it made another nurse laugh. And there we were, laughing like nuts until we couldnt hold up our heads and our eyes were tearing.

I thought it would be a nice way to end the night. Giddy, drinking overly-sweetened energy tea, reading my book. Then the phone rang. 5:55am. Aw, peas. All the nurses were guessing it was someone calling in sick. No way. They can call in sick all they like as long as its not the ambulance calling.
It was the ambulance.
My mentor was so annoyed. Cant they keep the person until 8am? What do they think we can do with them? And its true. It was almost shift change. The doctor had only been gone home to bed less than 3 hours ago. There was no way we were going to call and wake him up for a patient who had fallen in the bathroom at the senior's lodge. I sat around for 40mins waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I took my blood pressure. I think it was a little high. At least the systolic was. And my heartrate was on the high side of normal, but lower than when i was a nursing student! I took my mentor's BP. I started offering to take the blood pressure of the cleaning staff and someone who was randomly walking through the ER. When the ambulance finally arrived, they asked if i wanted the patient left on the clamshell. Uh...?! I dont know, what do you guys think? Hey, they said, you're in charge. What? I'M NEW. Too bad, you're Hospital, you're a higher rank, you decide. Dang! Can we just send her home and go back to eating timbits (brought by the ambulance guys, bless them, upon their return from taking the boy to the big city hospital) and trying to get back to the high from the successful IV?

The ER tried to get the better of me and it looked for awhile like it might win. But even though it tripped me up in the IV department, i'm still alive, my patients are all still alive. I think the title belt goes to ME!
Now its time for bed. Oh how sweet it is (oh Women's choir!) to crawl into my bed at the end of a 12hr night, knowing that i dont have to get up tomorrow until i want to because i have five days off! And yesterday was payday! And i rocked the casbah on the first IV! And i was useful! And there are chocolate chip cookie-wanna-bes awaiting consumption. It's a new day!

JV vs. the ER - Round 2, night duty

I survived!
And i meant BUSINESS!

At one point, i went to do a treatment on a patient and when i came back my mentor was all impressed and said that i was rather quick. I told her that i dont mess around. She thought that was funny. I'm a no-nonsense sort of nurse. Really now!

Except with IV starts. Dang! I think i am actually getting worse at it. Everyone had the memo to call me to do their work for them. I missed another handful of IVs and my mentor MADE me try starting them on her, at 530 in the morning! That wasnt a highlight.

I think my favourite part was running the EKG machine. Doing an EKG on a patient has always seemed like a rather challenging procedure. There are so many wires to hook up in specific places. Now i know it isnt. The hard part is reading the results (i just give it to the doctor. Let them earn their keep).

In the downtime last night, my mentor told me to go play around with things so i'd become familiar with them. ok! I played with the crash cart and with all the defibrillators! Fun!

One of the perks on no longer being a student is that now, when a doctor asks you to do something, you can actually do it. You dont need to have him/her repeat it to a "real nurse" and then relay the order to you. Unless of course, you dont know how to do it (which happened to me last night and i had to tell the doctor i didnt know how to do it and that's why i was standing around like a nob. good times).

Sometimes i dont like being a nurse (and not a student) because i find talking to doctors intimidating. And calling them at home! And calling them at home in the middle of the night! Unless you dont like the doctor, in which case calling them and waking them up is a sick pleasure! Ha ha! Sick, hospital, doctor! HA HA! (i think i need more sleep)

Time to get ready for Night 2. Watch out IVs, JV's coming back and she means business!

Time for an Experiment

Its nearly 1am. I've been up since 530am. The randomness, the giddiness is setting in.
I decided to do a little experiment. I LOVE experiments.

I wondered what would happen if i replied, via email, to the automatically-generated email notices informing me of new comments posted on my blog. Where would it go?

I replied to a comment.
And the message was SENT.

La de dah de dah.
Where did it go?
Not here on my blog.
Not in my email account.
To the Dead Letter Office?
Maybe i should write a song about it.
I wonder what would come to pass first: the reappearance of my reply or the composition of a song speculating on the location of my reply?

Hey! Yo! Whoa there, buddy!
IT'S BACK!

oh.

disappointment.

the answer is: PERMANENT FAILURE

(it disappears for awhile and comes back stamped permanent failure. Unable to deliver. Ever. what a bummer)

Inspite of the disappointing outcome, i do not consider this experiment a failure because it has provided us with knowledge. And i've done you all a favour. You no longer have to worry about where the replies go. Find something else to worry about. Worries needing investigation can be submitted to RE (Random Experiments).

it's a good thing...

It's a good thing my life does not depend on being able to make chocolate chip cookies because apparently i can't, Who knew?

Now you ask: what do you mean you cant make chocolate chip cookies?
I reply: I CANT. Dont get me wrong, they are rather tasty, but they look about as far from a cookie as you can get without calling it a muffin or a pancake or a crepe or a hash. In fact, if you looked at my table tonight, you would see the Evolution of the Chocolate Chip Cookie. Minus the final evolutionary stage in which the Cookie actually becomes the Cookie.

Now you say: perhaps you haven't tried enough. One attempt is not an acceptable sample for reaching any generalizations or definitive conclusions. It is one isolated incident.
I reply: i tried 4 times tonight.

Now you inquire: how does one make chocolate chip cookies wrong?
I reply: Yea, i'm wondering about that one too.

Possible reasons for my baking fiasco: uh... the altitude? Yea that's it. That's totally it. The recipe was made by someone living in the South Swampland, USA. Which would make it all wrong for someone at my elevation. And.. uh.. the oven! Yea, it's the oven's fault! Stupid gas oven! And maybe the sifter i used didnt sift down to the same diameter as the sifter used in the original recipe.

I had planned to lounge in the bath, savouring some warm chocolate chip cookies. I'm scared to take a bath now. What if i take it wrong too? I mean, i was pretty confident regarding my ability to make cookies and that didnt exactly turn out...

JV vs. the ER

Today was my first shift in the ER.
Dang.
I'm so tired i cant think.
Nausea, headache, dizziness, swollen ankles... and that's just me. Maybe i should go admit myself!

I'm glad i was still with my mentor because that gave us extra staff. Usually its 1 doctor + 1 nurse. We need more staff. We need more money. Aw damn! I'm gonna turn into one of those crazies ranting about the decline of healthcare.


Attention staff: could all procedures odd, stinky, or mean please be directed to JV

That's pretty much the message my mentor gave out to the other staff. I got called about IV starts (yes, i missed everyone of them. Stupid rolling, dehydrated, valve-y veins!). I got called about PICC line dressing changes (PICCs are very rare at this hospital. They are sort of like fancy longer-term IVs. I saw them alot when i did my practicum in oncology). I got called to do the dressing changes for the feet of a patient with diabetic ulcers on them (the smell! oh goodness, the smell! It thickly permeated the air).

I got called by the doctor to do a enema on a patient in the cast room. There wasn't any patient. The doctor decided to play a joke on me. Ha ha ha. Really, not funny.

At least the doctor on call today let me do other cool things. I assisted with the application of a back-slab (a half of a cast) to a fractured fibula. I followed the doctor to the Extended Care Unit and got to consult on a patient! And the x-ray technician taught me all about chest x-rays.

I hate answering the phone at work. Its scary. I never know who's going to be on the other end. Is it my co-worker's son? Is it a doctor? Is it someone trying to bring in their intoxicated spouse? Is it the ambulance announcing their arrival with some wacky patient? Today i had to answer the phone. All day. Once i answered it and the person said "oh hey JV, its your neighbour!". That was strange. I also learned today that the ambulance has its own special phone. Like the red phone on Batman. Now i just have to hope it never rings while i'm on...

I also hate the smell of work. I have this unfortunate condition whereby i will be exposed to a most disgusting stench early in my shift and for the remainder of my shift, i will continue to smell grossness. And then it follows me home. I'll be at home and i will still be able to smell something foul and will become paranoid that the smell is coming from me and maybe i should go to the hospital. It sucks.

What i do like about work: the people. Even though the malodor of the diabetic ulcers was enough to bowl me over, i had such a pleasant conversation with the patient. Even though we forgot about him for over an hour and stuck him 4 times before his IV went in, the patient kept smiling and never yelled at us and was just the sweetest man. I had to convince a young girl to stop giggling so i could prick her with a needle. There was the 3 yearold who was skeptical of me and my thermometer-gun and my blood-pressure arm squeezer but who i won over in the end. And of course, the woman who thought i was a doctor! A co-worker managed to work a Harry Potter reference into our conversation about nursing supplies. It was awesome!

It's been a wild 12 hours without coffee breaks or dinnerbreak. I think i stink (literally and figuratively). I'm tired. Slightly ornery. My legs are throbbing. My head aches. My ankles are swollen. And i'm going to go make chocolate chip cookies! And read the Sears catalogue that was just delivered to my door. In the bath! Yea!