all things chicken

work: work is still going. still a mess. i still haven't talked to the doctor who didn't want to work with me. i'm working all weekend with a nice nightshift on christmas eve. maybe we'll wrap up random items and play santa for our patients. Dr.chickenlegs has gone abroad for a month so we are OR-free (no c-sections!!!!) No c-sections means no first-time mommas and no possible complicated deliveries since if they go wrong, we cant help them. there's a momma out there with the craziest birth plan. it makes us laugh. we should respect patient wishes but honestly, which nurse has time to sing HYMNS to a woman in labour as all her other children gather round to watch the miracle of life?!?!?

home: my momma is arriving tomorrow. she's coming to visit for christmas. she's going to bring me chicken nuggets. (she just may not know it yet...)

socializing: i was supposed to sing in the united church's rendition of the hallelujah chorus but i chickened out. i was invited to a party with "young people" but i chickened out. though a few nights later i went out for dinner with the party people and then we hung out and played cards so i'm only a baby chick! last night i went curling with some ladies form the hospital and even stayed around after to have drinks. the server at the bar told us to help ourselves to a tray of luncheon meat. mmm free mystery meat. pass on that one.

love: my doctor prescribed monthly vitamin shots. i think this month i shall ask for a shot of confidence to go with it. my friends, i, JV, am a chicken. i was invited to visit someone. i want to go visit this person. but i'm a big chicken and have lame excuses like " i have to work/cant get time off/don't have the money/don't speak the language/am too old/too young " .

incompetent? just trying to do my job (and yours too)

yesterday was, to speak euphemistically, a challenge.

i asked my boss if i could be the unit clerk since we didn't have one and she readily agreed. a little too readily. and then she also made me her designate in charge because she was going to be in meetings all day.

sweet.

being in charge is not cool when your coworkers are patronizing towards you.
and the doctor doesn't want to work with you.
and then you are frustrated and left with the unknown mess of the 6 patients a coworker abandoned in your care when she supplanted you in an ambulance transfer. and then you're still doing all the order processing for the twenty patients and trying to figure out what needs to be done for the 6 patients now suddenly in your direct care (2 of whom are dying) and assist the LPN with her 6 patients because one of her dying patients is requiring care beyond her scope of practice and you're also dealing with finding beds for 3 more patients and continuously harassing a doctor for more orders for a new patient who is going downhill fast and who's current meds aren't doing anything to make her better and she's puking and the doctor makes you do a gag-inducing throat swab on her. and you just want to sit down and cry and eat your frozen dinner. and then one of your patients dies. and then you're filling out your overtime form and a coworker on the next shift's patient dies and has never dealt with a body before so you get to call the wife at home to tell her.

and when the doctor comes back from the transfer and asks you if you are upset (about being supplanted), you screw professionalism and you say YES!!!!!!!

and you wake up in the morning and wonder if that one bad day of patronizing, disrespectful colleagues is enough reason to get a new job.

why there are never any oboes in marching bands

two weeks ago i called a large music supply company in vancouver to see about having them ship me an oboe lyre so i could play in the santa parade here. there is no such thing as an oboe lyre. interesting. i started to think about why they wouldn't have oboes in marching bands.

last night was the Santa Claus Parade. apparently it wasn't nearly as cold as it was last year. i had on 2 hats, a coat, a fleece vest, a fleece jacket, a sweater, a long-sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, tight socks, two pairs of long underwear, a pair of cords, and 2 pairs of socks. i may have looked a fool but i was at least warm. more or less. the only things that were cold were my bare fingers on the metal keys and my oboe itself. i think there are no oboes in marching bands because when it gets cold, oboes don't work. mine would only play one note the whole parade. I think it was a D but maybe it was an E flat. my friend said she could hear me. HA! I faked it the whole parade! (thankfully its not a very long parade). afterwards we played in an empty store. it took several songs for my oboe to warm up enough to actually play something. by the end of the mini concert i could play one whole octave. and to think i thought playing the flute would have been worse since its all metal....

my friend met me for chinese buffet after the concert. mmmm chinese buffet.
i went home pleasantly bloated and stripped off all my excess layers of clothes. i was deciding between bed and doing my pile of dishes when the phone ring. i found myself standing in the icy parking lot outside the video store with a group of youth. it reminded me of some people's high school experiences. it reminded me of the beginning of an after-school special.

sleepyhead JV ended up being out until 2am watching the new superman movie with strangers. but that's how friends begin - as strangers.

new friends

i have some new friends.
i like new friends.

i spent the weekend in the Big City with 3 coworkers taking our ACLS course (which actually ROCKED... we think all the horror stories we heard from colleagues was from before they implemented the new protocols).
and for the record, i didn't fail. I got 93%.

i scored myself a new doctor. now when Dr. Bushman leaves, i won't be an orphan patient! my new doctor is the one who implied that i was crazy. he's great!

i made new friends last night - "single digit" friends. i went to the OPT clinic because i'm supposed to be volunteering there but they never called me. i was talking to a girl i knew there and it turns out the both she and the nurse who runs the clinic have single digit ferritin levels too! she says we should all hang out. maybe we'll have protein parties!

i spent the morning in the OR today. yesterday when i was at lunch with the Resident, she mentioned that she was going to be assisting in the OR. i asked her to ask Dr. chickenlegs if i could observe and he said yes! Of course he put me to work anyways! The anesthetist was late so he had us all bustling about because he wanted to do the anesthesia (he's also an anesthetist but cant do anesthesia when he's the operating surgeon... which he always is unless we have a visiting doctor). Too bad the anesthetist showed up before he was finished and caught him in the act!

yesterday i brought a new friend home. he's a snowman. we're going to spend the day together napping on the couch and watching the snow fall. don't worry, he's an inside kind of guy!

abandon ship!

i have my ECG course tomorrow and my ACLS course on Saturday and Sunday. i'm having a very difficult time focusing enough to study. i think i would rather watch dvds.

Dr. Bushman says i should relax, take ibuprofen, drink lots of fluids, and not open my books. If i fail, he says, i am still a good nurse.

I went to see Dr. Bushman today because i figured i should since i've already see two of his colleagues and done a drug experiment for hand pain. he's says he cant say its because i'm crazy because there's no such thing as normal and he cant consider anyone crazy until they are crazier than him (which i am not). According to my wise physician, the answer to my problems is to leave this small town. It's what he's doing.

This new year i shall be an orphan patient in a small town with NYD pain, with hostile coworkers, and indigestion. anyone need a nurse?

JV Saves the DAY??

My sister says i saved the day today.
This is the story:

I was working in the ER today (against my will, but that's another story....) and my coworker told me that the Doc on call was going to do a right thoracentesis (removing fluid buildup between the outer linings of the lung by sticking a large needle in someone's back!) and she said it was alright if myself and another newer nurse observed.

cool!

the day before i had helped reduce a hand (pulling the fingers until the broken bones were back in place!) and today i was going to watch a thoracentesis!

so the doctor is all set-up and is percussing down the back to landmark. the other RN with me asks her what she is doing and the doctor explains how she is landmarking so that she does not hit the liver when she inserts the needle. I thought that this was really interesting considering the fact that i was certain that the liver was on the right side of the body. What exactly was she going to do that she could hit the liver with a needle that she inserts on the OTHER SIDE OF THE BODY?!?!?!

i don't question her about the liver but i do casually say "i thought he had a right effusion?".
the doctor pauses.
she looks at me.
she looks at her hands... on the left side of the body.
and says "it sounds as those he has a left pleural effusion as well".
"are you going to do both sides then, doctor?", i ask.
she does a smooth sidestep over to the right side of the patient's back. "no, just the right"
she begins re-landmarking and calmly says, "i guess it's a good thing you are here."

so i didn't really save the day... maybe just the left lung!

referendum

Today is Voting Day here in Small Town.

Voting here is funny. There was only one person on the registered list with my last name but it was definitely not me. The lady asked if there was any way it was even close to being me. Ha.
So i'm at the registration table and the lady next to me was having trouble registering because she had gotten married and didn't have her married name on her ID or her current address. The man was confused about what to do. The person assisting me leaned over to him and told him it was alright, the lady was her niece by marriage.

there was a mini craft fair today. i was sad because THE craft fair of the year is next weekend but i will be out of town at my stoooooooopid course. The fair today was not nearly as much fun as the Oak Bay autumn bazaar with Queenie, but it did have FUDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(don't worry Queenie, i managed to score a whole plate of it! And i didn't even have to elbow any old ladies!)

big night out

I survived!

I wasn't murdered with a pink satin ribbon or a scarf or anything else.
I was not poisoned!

And... shocker..... i had.... FUN!

But i learned that people in the Big City are UPTIGHT. We saw the new James Bond movie and parts of it were really cheesy so naturally, we laughed. Can you expect anything less from a nurse an a doctor when they are doing a really bad defibrillation/poison recovery scene? The movie-goer seated next to my friend said "ARE YOU FINISHED?!?!?" at one point during our giggles. Really.

And we may have hatched an evil new plan (or two) to keep ourselves entertained in this little place.

experimental drugs

when i got home from work last night, there was a message from Queenie who had had a dream that i had been murdered by a pink satin ribbon.
i didn't think much about it until i got up this morning and was thinking of what to wear today. tonight a friend and i are going into the big city to see a movie. i don't know much about her except she's originally from toronto and she's doing her residency in the hospital here until the new year. i found a pink satin ribbon as i was tidying the bathroom. i very nearly decided to wear it today. and then i thought "what if she's a murderer? i don't know her that well. i can't provide her with the murder weapon!".

Queenie's dream changed though and in the end i had actually died because of a reaction to an experimental drug.
One of the perks of working in a small hospital is that sometimes you can get a doctor to write you a prescription for something (not narcotics) without having to see them officially in their office (which is good because i hate doing that). Yesterday it was decided that i either have carpal tunnel, tendonitis, or rheumatoid arthritis. One of the doctors wrote me a prescription for a drug. i'm going to do a drug experiment. i'm a human test subject (but aren't we all?).
i'm pretty sure i wont have a bad reaction to it. but at least i'll be spending the evening with a med student. almost as safe as hanging out with nurses.

good day?

the last two days at work have been... well... fiascoes.

on saturday i was supernumery so i agreed to spend the day out in emerg with 2 other nurses and "gain experience". And that i did. I got abandoned in the trauma room with a patient at risk of needing intubation. But i survived and she survived and no one yelled at me for things i did or did not do.

yesterday i was back on the floor as per usual. the new resident kept asking me two things: am i annoying you yet? are you having a good day?
i like the new resident because she's nice and when we were in a critical situation i could ask HER to help ME with things and not have to call in another nurse. just because she's a doctor doesn't mean that assistance should be unidirectional.

it was chaos. we had a labouring mother who's labour wasn't progressing and needed an emergency c-section and we didn't have a maternity nurse available in the whole town. luckily, one of the maternity doctors agreed to stay and help out the midwife (who i think is the biggest nob ever. the midwife, not the doctor. i really like the doctor. but the midwife, i just want to shake her to see if it will wake up her brain. so mean of me, but so true).
There was a cardiac patient out in emergency who needed the cardiac monitor that one of my patients was on (the one from the trauma room the day before). We moved my patient into the next room and then.... she has... a HEART ATTACK.

Lots of running around. But at the end of the day, the other RN on the floor, the unit clerk, and myself were reflecting on the day. It was insane but it went well all things considered. I felt very fortunate to have had the staff that i had. The other RN was awesome about checking in with me that i was ok with my lady who was infarcting and if i needed help. I liked that she offered continuously but did not take over. She trusted me to know my limits. And i appreciated that. I need to be able to handle these things. I appreciated that she asked, when all was said and done, if i was ok with what had happened with my patient. If we had had different doctors who weren't easily approachable, who we had to beg to come look at patients, it would have been a bad day indeed. But as it stands, it was just busy with lots of really sick people. Busy, but not bad.

And now i have TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF. Two days to watch the snow fall, clean my stinky house, nap on the couch, and study ACLS.

a la nanita nana

it's friday night. i'm home from work but back tomorrow am so i'm just chillin' on my couch (as opposed to all the other friday nights when i chill on the chair). i'm half-watching a cheesy movie-musical on the family channel when a spanish lullaby suddenly takes me back to high school...

it's our big senior christmas concert in the old stone church downtown. the women's jazz choir is gathered in the warm-up area. we are about to go on and sing when suddenly one member pipes up and says, somewhat panicky "does anyone know the words? can we write them on a paper and put them on the back of someone's shirt?"

...P,Q,R,S,T,U.... and delta?

i love P waves.

P WAVES I LOVE YOU.

i love P waves because i understand their significance.

U waves are my next favourite because they are not always present and their significance has not been conclusively determined by the Experts so i can forget about them.

things i love today

1. snowmen. today i went to the stores to find something and i got distracted by all the snowmen christmas paraphernalia. it reminds me of my lovely snowmen mug i bought last year that broke. i saw several new ones but they werent quite as cute. i almost bought a sign with snowmen that said "flakey friends welcome" but couldnt figure out what i'd do with it.
   
   
2. napping on the couch. i got up early today, ate an orange, and promptly fell asleep on the couch listening to "what not to wear". so good.
   
   
3. chicken nuggets. ok, this one isnt fair because i dont actually have any and i love them often. someone go eat some for me. with bbq sauce.
   
   
4. people who are bothered by poor grammar. i'm not the only uptight one.
   

strange bird

i'm supposed to be reading "the six second ECG" for the course i'm taking near the end of the month. so naturally i've found all kinds of things to do instead.

like the recycling.
which led to a random drive around the area.
i can no longer say i dont know where Wynndel is.

i was driving along the lower road, past the flats, past dr. rose's house, past the potato shed (some historic landmark i dont quite understand) when a strange and somewhat comically ugly creature ran across the road.


its body was rather plump and it sort of waddled quickly across the highway. it reminded me of a turkey with a long stick tail. i think it was a pheasant!

junior, schmunior

i was concerned when i left for work last night that it was going to be hellish, owing to the fact that i had only slept 3 hours after my previous nightshift, it was friday night, it was friday night, it was friday night.

scheduling is a crazy thing. Because of contract requirements, myself and another nurse were supernumerary last night. We had a whole herd of RNs! The senior nurse thought it would be a good idea for me to hang out in emerg last night, so off i went to shadow another "junior" nurse. Nothing like 2 newbies running the place. Both of us had taken time off in the past few months and didnt know how any of the new forms worked. But we had a really good doctor on call (he even took an unofficial, meaning i didnt have to fill out an emerg form, look at my sore wrist!) And for a friday night, it was pretty darn good. We had a stab wound! I didnt get a close look at the wound itself because buddy didnt need sutures. I told the doctor i was disappointed. He was too. We both really like sutures. He's promised to call me if he ever has any when i'm working. woo! sutures!

The night was relatively calm in the end and we had time to sit around chatting and playing cards. There were 4 of us "junior" nurses and one "senior" nurse last night. There's been a lot of talk recently about restricting junior nurses. We had a really nice discussion on that. I definitely appreciated the senior nurse asking for our opinion. Everyone talks and makes decisions about us, without us. We have less experience because no one will provide us with supportive opportunities to gain experience. They are fostering our dependence. I think its fair that we should not want to be forced to work emerg independently, particularly at night when we alone are responsible for triaging patients and sending level 3 and 4s out to the next hospital. Maybe they should think about buddy shifts in emerg. But they wont because we dont have enough nurses and all the "experienced" ones are in shitty moods because we've been working extra these past few months to allow doctors to sleep more and to leave less work for the front office. We've been supporting the doctors, but have we been supporting each other?

And there was a baby. She was born the previous day but we had been too busy thursday night for me to hold her. I got to hold her last night while we played cards. For some reason, we all found her particularly cute. And my coworkers kept telling me how good she looked on me!
Babies look good on me!
woo!
no, i am not wanting a baby.
It did spark them to ask, again, when I'm going to get a boyfriend. One nurse figures its about time since i'm got a full-time job and an apartment and i've been in town nearly a year. Ugh. People.

my belly

my belly is not a lovely happy belly.
not like carly's belly. (my friend carly has a cute belly. it makes me smile. HI CARLY'S BELLY!)

my belly is sad.
it misses, craves, YEARNS for food not of this part of the province.

it wants gomma ae.
it wants agedashi tofu.
and yam rolls.
it wants chinese tofu dishes with lotus root.

and yes, it wants mass-produced, artery-clogging fastfood.

is there a solution?

anyone know what day it is?

it was cold this morning.

my mind was busy reflecting on death as i hurried through the sub-zero calm air to work.
i don't generally think about death on my way to work (i'm strange, but not that strange); however, this morning i was reading a post on justina's blog about it.
i probably should not have done this because, coincidentally, one of my patients died before i had even done my morning meds.

the day was so bizarre after that.
no one could figure out what day it was because it felt all messed up.
dr. bushman asked me how i like working for an inferior health authority.
uh... ???
the new doctor implied that i was crazy and should go see him at his office for some pills.
my patient kept climbing the stairs that go nowhere (well, to the roof but there's no actual exit).
and everyone kept falling.
and one man fell and then his flower vase fell while we were struggling to get him up and so there he was, on the ground, with glass and water and flowers everywhere. and he did a huge fart. and i, of course, was supporting his back. so i'm crouching in glass with a farting patient. and when i left the room, i had shards of glass all down my pant leg.

i was relieved to go home and put up my swollen ankles until i remembered how cold my apartment is.
rejoice! i had called my landlord from work to say it was cooooold and there was an electric heater waiting for me in my kitchen when i got home. what a nice present.

put the bicycles away

IT'S THE FIRST SNOW OF THE YEAR!!!

and its a blustery one! the 30-6okm winds are stripping the trees bare. the leaves scuttle past my windows and take flight like flocks of birds. the trees howl in pain as the wind whips through them. the sound is reminiscent of stormy waves crashing on a rocky shore.

the clouds are descending lower and closer as the minutes past.
i went from being able to see the snow-capped mountains across the valley to barely able to see the house across the street.

and we're losing power...

and there's a chance of a thunderstorm? can you even have a thunderstorm when its snowing?
its just me, and the snow, and a kitchen full of ghosties.

desperado?

i am beginning to shock myself.
perhaps i've lived alone too long.

this afternoon i went out for a nice Fall day walk to the store. i had on my favourite old lady cream cardigan and my orange summer sandals. my ears were being pleased by the sounds of the weakerthans and neko case.

i watched a man walked across the parking lot and into the store.
i watched the man sample grapes.
i watched the man pay for his purchases.
i was checking out a man in the GROCERY STORE.

have i no decency?

in my defense, he did have what can only be described as "rugged good looks".

but really, where else am i to check out people? i cant exactly check out people at work. Ok technically i could. But they're either coworkers (and thus married because they are all married) or patients. And any single patient is either widowed, drunk, drug-seeking, or disgusting.
considering i only ever go to work, to the grocery store, and home; considering there are no guys to check out at home, the grocery store is my only real option.

not that i HAVE to have an outlet for checking out people (ha ha ha! checking out guys at the check out! ha ha ha!) but its just... well... yea.

Something fuzzy this way comes?

Work.

All I ever write about is work.

All I ever do is work.

As always, crazy times last night. But the insanity of it all gave me more confidence in my skills as a nurse. I did another IV on the hard-start patient and I did a quick IV start on a patient with a third-degree heartblock who was waiting for the ICU ambulance team to take him out of town for a pacemaker. I picked up that a patient with a bowel obstruction was having either a TIA or a stroke. I learned how to do a non-stress test.

But sometimes when I come home from a hard day at work, or from a good exhilarating day at work, I wish I had something to cuddle with.
My coworkers have suggested I get a dog or a cat or a kitten or a hedgehog.
A friend suggested a hamster.

Please, I need suggestions for a new friend.

Preferences/requirements of JV's new friend:

1. must like cuddling
2. must be soft or fuzzy (not slimey)
3. must not be smelly

damn. yes! oh...

damn
one of my patients had very bad veins. she needs a new IV at least once a day. when i got to work and went to hang her first round of antibiotics, she warned me that the night before she needed a new IV at midnight. great.
i ran through the first two antibiotics sans probleme.
midnight came and went.
at 130am i went to hang doses 3 and 4 and found her IV had gone interstitial. damn.
fact: i suck at IVs.
i had tried to start one on her 2 days ago and had failed. i decided to just ask one of the other nurses to try for me (to save my lady some pain).
both nurses were busy in the ER with a patient.
damn.

yes!
i sat for 10 mins and thought about it.
and then i stood up and declared "I AM TAKING NO PRISONERS" and went and stuck her IV on the first go!!!!!
yes!!!!!!

oh...
i was just taping the IV into place and about to double-check that it hadn't shifted out of her vein when my Vocera went off.
i wasn't going to answer it because i was busy with tape and blood and needles, but we were having trouble with the Voceras (the star trek communicators) and only myself and the ER nurse had one. A patient had recently arrived via ambulance so I figured if she was calling me, she needed help with something.

"JV, could you or Charlene please go get the morgue stretcher?"
"uh... i'm in the middle of an IV here" (and my poor lady could hear what we were saying because voceras are LOUD. damn!)

i finished up and went down to see the ER nurse and did a little "i got the hard stick IV on the first go" dance. And then realized that the resident on call and the back-up doctor (dr. chickenlegs) were sitting there too... still waiting for the morgue stretcher.
oh.
damn.

At least there wasn't any puke

I was thinking, as it was happening, that it was a bad day.
but I wasn't entirely sure.

it may have been the fact that I wanted to call in sick with GI distress.
it may have been when our boss told us she was having Thursday early (a "Thursday" is her equivalent of a Monday) and that if we really wanted something, NOT to ask her for it today.
it may have been when Dr. Rose* arrived for morning rounds and bite off an LPN's head in front of everyone. She didn't deserve to loose her head over her question to him.
(*i've decided to name him Dr. Rose because he's excellent with his patients, particularly the elderly and the palliative. But when we, the nurses, approach him, we tend to get the thorns)

or maybe it was when my patient's ambulance was rerouted for an accident in town and we were all on red-alert for the impending trauma. Which never came.

or when I had to give a blood transfusion to a patient (the last time I gave one I was yelled at the whole time by the patient who eventually just signed herself out of the hospital) who started having baby signs of a transfusion reaction.

or when I had a baby admitted into my care for seizure observation and I'd keep running down the hallway to see if he was still breathing.

it may have been when I felt like a dumbass for not giving the baby a medication I could have and not realizing until I was home that I actually had good reasons to not have given it but just hadn't documented them.
it may have been when the night nurse yelled at me for still having a seizing baby in our care and for having a seriously suicidal team in our hospital.
or when the other nightnurse yelled at me for not having called the night doctor to change my patient's diet.

I think it was when we learned that the trauma of the morning was a suicide...of a patient we had just sent home that day.
And then my coworker chastised me for not being sensitive enough to the night doctor who had been "responsible" for the suicide. (I later apologized to him, but he hadn't been offended. Which is good because there was no way he was responsible and if he thought he was, then he was a dumbass. I cant believe I apologized to a doctor. Of my own freewill.)

I was tired. And sick. And my coworkers were tired and sick. And the doctors were all on edge. And it was Monday. And we had exceeded our maximum patient allowance and still admitted patients to the extent that the computer (which broke down in the middle of the afternoon) wouldn't let us admit any more because we had 2 people in a one-bed room.
And I called Dr. Bushman because one of the LPNs needed a coumadin order and she couldn't find Dr. Rose and was scared to call Dr. Bushman. Not that I blamed her - she'd already had her head bitten off by Rose and Bushman is meaner than him. And Dr. Bushman and I had a strange conversation, as per usual. He said I must have had a nice vacation because I was all chipper. I told him I was actually frazzled but pretending to sound chipper so he'd be chipper back. And then I gave him the background on the patient and why I needed his help and told him I was ready for all his questions. He just laughed and told me to write down that Rose was unavailable, to put in brackets ASSHOLE! and then to write the coumadin order. I knew it was a bad day when I started laughing inappropriately at things, like Bushman calling Rose an asshole. And when i left work holding in my tears.

day off

Was woken up by Scheduling this morning. They changed my schedule (bastards!) and now i go back to work on sunday instead of monday. That really isnt much time off (2 days plus a sleep day).
Since i was up, i figured i'd go shopping. Today was the grand opening of The Bargain Store! in town. It was THE place to be. Seriously. The regional radio station even broadcasted live from it today. What a joke. I had secretly hoped that it wouldnt be as crappy as i thought it would be. So much for hope.
Why cant we at least get a Zellers in this town?
I'm interested to see who closes down first - TBS!, Saan, or Fields.

I went looking for printed scrub tops. There werent any.

I went looking for a reasonably-price couch that didnt smell like age and sketchiness. I didnt find any.

I went to buy chicken soup. It was on sale! It was sold out.

I had a nap.

I had a second nap.

I bought a couch online and they're going to deliver it to my door! (ha ha! some poor sucker has to carry it up all my stairs...)

I made sugar cookie dough in preparation for cookie-making, laundry-doing, studying extravaganza tomorrow.

let's play Pretending

last night at work we all played Doctor:

"did you see this aspect of this patient? i think its this..."

"i know! but did you see the blanket? that diarrhea looked and smelled bloody. I suppose that's probably the result of a perforated bowel"

"and did you see his tongue? it was white. Must have some thrush."

"i think we need to consult physio on this case"

"i hear the doctor wants to off load this patient's care. maybe we should take them on"

It was fun to discuss health and possible interventions as if we really knew what was going on. And maybe we did.

It happened last night...

Please, tell me you are allergic to something BEFORE I send it rushing through your veins. 'Nough said about that!

Dr. Pumpkinhead tells his resident that he's scared of the nurses. As it should be!

My coworker had a patient last night who was quite ill and quite large. When she came back from a round at 4am (while we were all sleepily trying to stay interested in a game of cards) and told us that said patient had diarrhea, we all just stared at her, willing ourselves to have misunderstood. Large person who barely fits in bed, can not get up without 4 nurses, diarrhea. WHAT?!?!?!? We just sat there, in disbelief, at a loss for how we were going to clean it up, until she yelled "HE SHIT THE BED". Then it was all action. You grab the towels! You grab the gowns! You grab the linens? Me? I had to stop giddily laughing. It was too unreal. Poo is gross, but its really funny when you are sleep-deprived. Unless you slip in it. Which I didn't. It was close though.

time for frills

after a nice nap in the sun on the bed in the art room [i had to test out the new comforters i purchased yesterday to ensure that they are comfy in case anyone comes to visit (like my mom, who loves me best. i know because she's coming to visit)] i decided it was time to do some baking.
serious baking.
and thus, i pulled out the pink frilly apron.

now the pear pie is cooling on the cooling rack and the curry pies are in the oven and i feel satisfyingly tired.

it began with turkeys in the fog

i told myself last night that today i would get up at a decent morning hour, do the laundry, and do some studying for work.
but my house was cold and my bed was warm and some crazy woman phoned me at 830am and asked me round for tea.

and thus i found myself brushing off all thoughts of studying to drive in my car along a quaint country road, marvelling at the fall trees and turkeys.

my friend trudy is crazy. but she has the most delicious laugh. i arrived at her house before 10am to find her with a roasting dish full of cookie dough. she works casually at the hospital with me, she has a husband, 4 kids, a dog, 5 cats (she tried to get me to take the kitten home), 2 cows, 2 horses, 2 pigs, a rooster named Big Red, and a whole lot of crazy chickens.
i played with her youngest son. he's 4 and very shy except when talking about his chickens and/or his chickens playing in the horse poo!
i played with the cats. yes, i did.
i played with the chickens.
i played with the walnuts under the walnut tree and didnt even get hit by a falling nut!
as the sun began to come out, i was sent home, happy, with a bag of pears from their pear tree.
now i shall make pear pie!

the test

today was Baking Day.
here is why:

1. i needed to use up some eggs and i refused to make an egg sandwich (and omelettes give me migraines)
2. i needed to prove to myself that my failure to make chocolate chip cookies is not an overall failure in the kitchen

i decided to make some molasses cookies.
here is why:

1. molasses is high in iron and calcium and other things
2. molasses is fun to play with
3. the idea randomly popped into my head and i couldn't think of any reason NOT to make them
4. i cant find any molasses Halloween candies (mmmm Halloween kisses)

success!
they are mildly potent (next time i think i'll put slightly less molasses and slightly more brown sugar) but they LOOK like cookies!

i think my test has proven that i am not a failure at cookies in general, but that there is a strange phenomenon occurring that results in my inability to make traditional chocolate chip cookies. this warrants further investigation.

failing at living my dreams

i dreamed about doughnuts last night.
so i went to the bakery today to buy one but they are SOLD OUT.
i guess everyone else dreamed about them too.

new character takes the stage

he whistles when he answers the phone

he cradled my arm in close to his chest while i asked him about liquid antacids

he is a strange man

a strange man from the the country of Drs. Bushman and Chicken Legs

He is Dr. Cologne

oh yes, he makes his presence known
by bowling you over with the strength of his cologne.

i held my breath all day

i held my breath all day for fear of sudden unpleasantness at work.

they tried to convince me it was my "turn" to work emerg but i put my foot down for i'm not exactly qualified to work there alone. particularly considering the recent state of extreme interventions we've had down there.

but then i learned that a nice calm RN was also scheduled there all day (she helped me during last week's trauma) and that i was thus supernumerary. so i went. to emerg. all day.

emerg is weird because if there's no one there, there's nothing to do. no charting to pretend to have to do. no games to play. just waiting and hoping that the next person who walks through the door isn't a cardiac or a trauma. or barfing. or verbally abusive.

i lost a little confidence when i missed IVs on two patients in a row. but third time's a charm. my third patient, who spent the whole time i was assessing his veins telling me about the last nurse he had (in kelowna) who was AWFUL and he had to tell her after torturing him through 4-5 attempts to piss off and find a doctor (which is funny because most doctors, unless they are new or anesthetists, don't get much opportunity to do IVs), did not succeed in breaking my spirit and i nailed it on the first attempt! what a rush!

and i did some catheters! the first one was concerning because it was a male catheter and yesterday another nurse and i ran in to difficulties with male catheters. Stupid enlarged prostates. Anyways, i went in to see the patient and all i had to do was prep him for a procedure by catheterizing him. i wasn't worried. until Dr. Chicken Legs saunters in on his long chicken legs and i have to tell him that i'm not ready for him yet. And then he stands there and decides to "coach me" through it by emphatically saying "go! go! go!". And "do you feel resistance? yes? go! go! go!". what a strange man.

and there was no barfing.
and there was no yelling at me.
and i some how succeeded in making the intimidating doctor laugh (and not AT me!).
and a patient bribed me with chocolate.

why do i subject myself to this torture called Work

am i too young to be jaded with the whole working world?

nothing like having to take home personal belongings in a biohazard bag

for awhile today it seemed as if the only thing i was eating was my words.

after yesterday's bad day, i said today could possibly be any worse.

one word: trauma.

i was at a disadvantage because i'd never dealt directly with one before.
i was at an advantage because i dont have children of my own.

bad.


day.


the end was in sight.
the grey clouds of doom were beginning to dissipate.
then i put my leg in a puddle of pee.

i'm ok, you're ok?

i've been asked often enough the past few days, weeks, how things are now that i'm back in Small Town.

ok.

fine.

pretty good.


today i reorganized my fridge.
what does this say about me and my life here?

me? i work at the circus

Oh Nightshifts, how i've missed you!

my friend the LPN declared me a freak. which is perfect since another coworker and i decided that we work in a circus!

lately the doctors are admitting people for rather silly reasons (either because they are tired, on crack, or are punishing us nurses). last night was no exception

a patient yelled at me for being too nice

the power was out at the hospital for most of the night

i had to run down the street to where the doctor on call was staying because she wasnt answering the phone and we needed her

brevity of life

twas my second day back at the hospital.

day one was really dull. my boss didnt give me any patients so that i could "ease back into things". but none of the other nurses had a full load so no one needed my help and i spent the day looking for ways to look busy and bugging the nurses and doctors in the ER. i'm really good at it. the bugging part.

i saw dr. bushman, who looked at me and said "you're back. WHY????? Why did you come back???". thanks.

today i had my own patients. but there were only 3 of them and they did not keep me busy.
Dr. Chickenlegs came by in the morning as i was pouring meds and leaned over my shoulder and said "hello. why are you here?".

what is it with these south african male professionals? i'm here because i work here and if i'm not here, i dont get paid. way to make a girl feel welcomed.

so today was almost as uneventful as the first day. except we had an afternoon tea party with a nice pot of orange pekoe and strawberry shortcake.
it was a jolly good time.
near the end, i went down to answer a call from one of my patients. i stopped at the ladies' room on the way back & when i got to the nursing desk, there was no one there.
where did everyone else go?

we have these new personal verbal communicators. they're like the twenty-first century version of the communicators from star trek. now we no longer have to yell down the hall or use the overhead hospital-wide paging system to get help or find another staff member.
so a trauma came in and the ER nurse was alone because her partner had gone on an ambulance transfer with a sick toddler to another town and so she called for backup from all staff. only it was over the communicators and i dont have one yet because i'm "not in the system" so they all ran to save the day and i came back and had to man the ward as its never supposed to be left without a nurse.

this changed the entire atmosphere of the hospital.
we know Death.
Death came to our ward last night. but we had expected it.
today, Death just drove on in unannounced. there were no warning signs.
a blink.
a soul departed.

death is not just death.
yes, they are all sad. but some dont affect us in the same way (which is good or as nurses we'd snap pretty early in our careers). this one caught us unawares. this one invovled someone in my own age group. this one was difficult because we were not allowed to clean the body or make it more presentable in any way until the coroner came from the city to investigate as it was a sudden, traumatic event. and the coroner would not be arriving in a jiffy as he had to drive into town and see another case first. this meant that the person's loved ones saw them in a state that was so... altered... that internalizing it was overwhelming.
the challenge was accepting our inability to help.
we couldnt make the person healthy.
we couldnt comfort the family.
we were powerless.

typical!

i once made fun of my friend Paul's sheets because they were brown. BROWN!
who owns brown sheets?! willingly?!

yesterday i went into the city to do a bit of shopping.
i bought sheets.
brown ones.

just a day

i broke a plate this morning.

last night my friend David suggested i buy a cheap plate and smash it. the plate broke of its own accord in a sink full of hot sudsy water. i didn't get to smash it myself. i feel cheated.

my last summer paycheque came in.

i went to the bookstore and the used bookstore knowing i could buy myself a book or two. i bought nothing.

i met one of my neighbours that i didn't even know lived in my building. she's probably 70 years old. Her daughter is the secretary at Dr. Bushman's office.

i went to the grocery store to buy a chicken for dinner. "would you like potatoes with your chicken breast, ma'am" asked the doe-eyed newbie at the deli counter. "No, i want a WHOLE chicken." Oh god, i hope i don't turn into the girl in Girl, Interrupted who would eat a whole chicken and keep the carcasses under her bed.


at the store i ran into the Trumpet from band. she didn't seem convinced when i said "i'm not working on monday so i'll definitely be there". she ran into me a few minutes later in another aisle and reminded me again that i am welcomed to come back.

they are doing renovations (that's what they say but a cashier told me they are making the store smaller) to the grocery store so today they had some ridiculous sales on. I got 8kgs of rice for $7. And a jar of my favourite pickles for 99 cents!

the grocery man gave me a free scoop of chocolate covered espresso beans. i think it was so i would stop giggling at him and another man who were comparing their recipes for fruit dip.

my sister called me to thank me for parcel of useless items i sent her this week.

concord grapes.

i like the sound my laptop makes as i type away on it. makes me feel brilliant.

i like not capitalizing things and not being chastised by anyone about it. (though it may make Anastasia cringe. which i think i could understand because i cringe when they use incorrect grammar on television. especially when its written!)

i like the look of the wooden shelf i hung in the art corner in a gravity- and geometry-defying manner. i'd like to thank the lady at the hardware store who suggested the hardware without really understanding what i was doing.

i don't like that the man at the hardware store didn't have the kind of saw i wanted and seemed not to understand that sometimes a girl just needs a saw.

i like the taste of butter on baguette bought solely for eating with butter.

i like that i reorganized my kitchen cupboards and now have a secret treat drawer.

i like that i'm still technically on holidays (even though i am back at home) and can stay up late reading chic lit (guilty pleasure) because i need to "test out" the bed i now have in the art room.

i don't like that is december-cold in my place.

i don't like that i check the mail box (and inbox) expectantly, frequently, even though there isn't any reason for there to be anything good.

i don't like that i cant remember how to cook.
ok, lie. one cant forget how to cook if one never really knew how to cook.

i don't like that i'm addicted to buying books (and books on CD) and there's no discount bookstore in town. or even in the nearest "big" city.

i like that my mom was right about the duvet cover. It does look nice after all. Mind you, i'm hard-pressed at this instance to think of a example of when my mom was wrong about something (with respect to giving me advice).

i like being able to send parcels in the mail to people just because i can.

i like that the biggest news in town is the upcoming referendum for a community rec centre (come on indoor pool!) and that i can spend my morning in the dentist's office chatting to the receptionist about it and not even be there to see the dentist.

i don't like that one of the bakeries in town has closed and that a Bargain! shop is opening. we already have a Fields and a Saan - do we need another store of cheap-quality items? Just because we're a small town doesn't necessarily mean that we like to buy crap. As evil as Wal-Mart may be, is it any worse than any other chain store? It at least would offer us more of what we need.

i like that i can spend time making up lists on my blog and not have to go study.

i like that if i want to study, i can. just for fun!

Fall Smells of a Bouquet of Freshly-Sharpened Pencils

sometimes i wish i was going back to school.
Oh the newness of people and ideas and classes and school supplies!
Oh the fun of setting up house.

i've taken to setting up house for other people instead.
i've taken to packing and unpacking and rearranging people's belongings in their absence.
its a flurry of activity to fill the void left by the blur that was Summer.

sprinklings of summer

1) being pulled over by the police and having it broadcast on the local news
2) having a man nearly crash his bike as he checks me out while we pass crossing the street
3) finding the faerie place and learning about fireflies
4) getting married
5) living in a loft and feeling like a princess
6) having a button explode off my shorts as i run to a possible medical emergency
7) cherry ames!
8) singing and playing guitar for a group of peers
9) falling in love (with a tent!)
10) playing the Personal Space game
11) dancing on the beach in the early morning
12) awaking to the sound of a bear in the tree outside my tent
13) falafels around the campfire
14) morning coffee at the cottage
15) pretending to be in Baywatch
16) spontaneous jiving on concrete floors
17) combing out rat's nests
18) secret movie parties
19) secret exclusive swim parties
20) removing the broken-off end of a Q-tip from an ear
21) reading in the hammock by the lake
22) hug rounds!

for days and days

i lay in my tent
in the room down the hall
listening to footsteps
approaching
hesitating
i'm not sleeping

thinking of you
this is
yes this is the truth
i do
you know
think of you
and you may not think i do
but i warm
when you stop at my door
and lean against the frame
and smile

i stared out at the ocean
and thought about
my thoughts of you
how is it that i am so divided
in my thoughts of you

i gazed up at you
when you held me
and pulled back to soothe me with words
within your embrace
and at that moment
i knew
i had to kiss you
did you know it too?

on the road again

that's right!

i've finished with the Job.
no more stressed doctors.
no more speculation.

i've packed up my stuff.
the putt-putt wagon and i are off on an adventure.

stay tuned!

going into hiding

i've decided that it is time to hide.

from what am i hiding?

the Sun.

I remembered today the things i dont like about Summer.
I dont like the sweating.
I dont like the hot humid air that is hard to breathe.
I dont like the multiple daily applications of sunscreen.
I dont like the sunburns, especially those in spite of the sunscreen.

Today i got my first sunburn of 2006. And it isnt even summer yet. And i even had sunscreen on. And it was overcast most of the time i was outside.
This isnt fair.

speculation

i am taking an extended leave of absence from work. my colleagues are curious as to where i am going and what i am going to do. thus far, all they know is that i am leaving town and i will be coming back to town.

my coworkers' thoughts on what i'm doing on my leave of absence:
1) going to find a husband
2) going to Asia to find a husband
3) going to Ottawa to rekindle an old romance
4) going to have a c-section (because we essentially have no OB-GYNs in town to deliver babies)
5) going to get pregnant
6) going for surgery
7) getting breast enhancement
8) getting liposuction
9) going to the super-famous-and-yet-i've-not-heard-of-it ashram
10) knitting dishcloths
11) going on a bike tour of the Queen Charlottes
12) doing travel nursing
13) joining a troupe of medieval re-enactors

Isnt this a fun game?!

hello, Hell?

it was a long day at work today. not a bad day, just a long one.
And the majority of us were suffering from First Day Back Brain. Ugh.
And i had to work with someone whose name backwards is Ah, Satan.
And the doctors were stressed.
And management was stressed.
And the nurses were stuck in the middle.
And apparently there were tv crews. And it was D Day. D for doctors. Doctors cutting services.
And i was sweating all day at work. Gross. Its what happens when its 32c in the middle of MAY and they dont turn on the hospital AC.
And my mailbox was completely empty.
And my email inbox was devoid of new signs of life.
And i ran down the hill from work to band practice only to find that the door was locked. Jerks.
And my house is a pressure cooker. Too warm. No air.

But i learned an important lesson today about knowing what you want, knowing your rights/entitlements, and being persistent. And so, today i won a battle against management. So long, suckers!

i hear noises in the dark

there's a party in the back yard of one of the houses across the street. I cant see it but i know its there. The music, the chatter, the vague party sounds are floating in through my open windows at a faint level that makes me pause and cock my head and think there are voices in the other room.
eerie.

and the Ghost Train just passed.
double eerie.

i watched a nice french film tonight called A Very Long Engagement. Unfortunately, it was based during the war and now i have war images in my sensitive head. Out damn spot!

after the movie, i decided to go for a drive around town. You know, take the long way home. There is this street that i've always been curious about. It has a strange curve to it. Its the one that, at the point where it crosses Cardiac Hill, has the sign that says "Caution. Wheelchairs on Roadway". I thought i could be all sneaky-like and go down the street in the dark and no one would be out to see me and recognize me. I forgot that my cute little car is a putt-putt car. It is audible (but i love it). Damn! No sneaky get-aways and no hiding bodies in the trunk. I guess i'm going to be traveling the Straight and Narrow from now on.

winning = losing?

we won our slo-pitch game tonight.
and yet, i feel as if i lost.

what gives?!

tomorrow i shall spend the day recovering from slo-pitch (seriously, i need a new body. My birthday is coming...)
i shall also hopefully finish two secret projects - one involving wool, the other involving paint.

tonight i shall leave you with this, two of my favourite lines from the autosummary of my current novel (i sort of forgot about it and just dusted it off tonight). It seems silly to share since most of you wont understand it anyways and i certainly dont want you to think i'm trying to show you up or anything. I just do it because, well, because i want to. - Why am i explaining myself? Its MY space!


two of my favourite lines:

- J’en prends et je n’en ai presque plus.

- Tu ne le sais pas, mon amour, et parfois, je ne le sais pas non plus.

grown-up me

today i went on a bit of an adventure.

i wanted to get my car insurance today so tomorrow, once my pay cheque goes through, i can pick up MY CAR!!!!!

but they wouldnt sell me car insurance without the car papers.
so i HAD to go get my car.

my car dealer is a super nice guy. He let me borrow another car to drive back to the insurance place in. This was nice because it had started raining and the rain was a cold one. It was also nice because it made me appreciate my car even more. I didnt like the sleek new one he lent me. It drove like a boat and the wipers didnt work well.

so i picked up some plates, he filled the gas tank up, assured me he'd find the stereo before i leave Town at the end of the month, and i drove off, promising to return tomorrow with some money. Sucker! Its my car now!!!

things i like about my new car
1) its mine (obviously!)
2) its shorter people-friendly! (ha ha! Anastasia, you're gonna LOVE it! Expecially the back seat... legs? who needs legs?)
3) its automatic - i can drive it!
4) the visibility is great! Its all windows! (wait, would that make it cold in the winter?)
5) it shall afford me great freedom - if i need to go to the city for a pizza or a lamp, i can!
6) it has very few buttons! i wont accidently set something off!

things to get used to about my new car
1) more things for me to have to clean
2) dummy locks
3) no modern air conditioning or funky things like cruise control and automatic seat controls
4) hatchback - limited packing space
5) the trunk is fully visible - the bodies will have to go elsewhere

image diary of my day

Opened.
(infinitely less cool than a can of whoop-ass)

Accquired.
(buying cars is unsettlingly easy)

Done.
(ratifying a contract is easy compared to restructuring a hospital)

strike!

today, my friends, we shall talk about different types of strikes encountered in life.

#1) work.

today i left work an hour late because one of the senior nurses decided to fill me in on the subject of this friday's staff meeting so that i wont panic and quit my job. yikes. good start, Nurse! And now i have the inside scoop on whether or not the doctors are going on strike/withdrawing their services.

#2) slo-pitch.



strike one!

and that's all i heard when i was at bat. you know, i really should have more faith in my abilities. i dont think i sucked nearly as much as i thought i would. and they didnt tell me not to come back next week. they didnt tell me TO come back but they are desperate for women and i'm a woman...
my first time at bat, i actually hit it AND made it to base. and eventually home, safe and sound.
after that, i never made it to first, but i hit it every time and i never struck out and i only had one strike in total. Go me! Toot my own horn. Toot! Toot!

things i learned at work this week

1) nurses are a strange breed

2) testicular piercings are gross

3) sometimes accidently snowing a patient ends up being in their best interest

4) quiet babies are unsettling in their rarity

5) sometimes you just have to make shit up and hope for the best

6) sometimes doctors make shit up and hope for the best (or that no one notices)

7) its ok to feel lost as a nurse because sometimes even doctors are stumped

8) dont let your coworkers diagnose you or they'll decide you are simultaneously pregnant, menopausal, diabetic, have kidney stones, AND have a UTI

9) even the most confident-appearing nurses sometimes like to run away from situations

10) always bring extra salty snacks and chocolate

stitches

yesterday i worked 4 hrs (overtime!!!) in the morning but today was technically day 1 of my work week.
ugh.
i hate day 1.
it always has a Monday feel to it, even if it happens to be thursday.
while i only had 4 patients, i dont know where my head was. I blame the Monday Effect.

and sometime during the day i accepted a phonecall specifically for me and i have a vague recollection of agreeing to play on the hospital/health care slo-pitch team ("stitches") and i think i may have also joined the local rec soccer team that actually plays all of its games in Idaho. good thing i can cross state lines.
but SLO-PITCH?????!?!?!

things i cannot do which may prove problematic for being on a slo-pitch team:
catch
throw
hit
run without looking totally awkward
feel comfortable making small talk and fitting in with beer-guzzlers
remember the rules to the game

things i can do:
show up
be enthusiastic

hip to be square

Yesterday i had my first ever quilting lesson.

She was very right when she said she thought she could turn me into a
serious quilter.... holy! i'm addicted already! (Z, i hope you're singing that
song!). I can actually sew! I was horrid at it in home ec all those years ago
but a straight line is no long a match for me. And chain sewing makes
pretty Tibetan-esque flags out of the pieces! It amuses me heartily.


My first project is a 9-square. I use the shop's scrap fabric and the finished product goes to some noble cause that i cant recall. New babies of young mothers? Who knows.


Last night at band i was invited to a party! My first-ever Small Town Party. I think it will be a bunch of older (than me) women sitting around eating at some sort of spice/seasoning party. At least it isnt plastic storage containers... What am i to wear?!?!

New Medical Condition

Concerned citizens,

You may well be aware of Mentionitis*. We would like to take this opportunity to educate you on a new condition in order to allow you to prepare yourselves should it reach pandemic proportions.

Attention Infatuation
Condition characterized by liking someone, to any degree of like, based on the attention they afford you. In mild forms of this condition, nonsexual pleasure is derived from someone interacting nicely, positively, and respectfully towards the afflicted person; especially, remembering the person's name and addressing them as such.

(is it wrong to like being paid attention to? is it unhealthy to like the feeling of being memorable?)

*Mentionitis: "A verbal disease whereby the sufferer will be unable to prevent themselves from constantly dropping a particular person's name into conversation. While sufferers themselves are unaware of the significance of this, the frequent, seemingly innocent, references alert friends and indeed partners to an impending romance. "

a few things i like about living alone

1) drinking chocolate milk whenever i want - straight out of the carton

2) buying a whole watermelon just for myself because it was cute and i felt like carrying it up Cardiac Hill

3) sleeping in the sunny spots on the floor without fear of being in anyone's way

4) watching really bad television and cheesy movies without having to justify my actions

5) no one can tease me when i burn things trying to cook because no one will ever know

6) random piles of clothes (CARDIGANS!) around the house as per my whims

7) rocking out to questionable music without embarassment

nothing like feeling like a dork to end a nightshift

to set the scene: it is 6am. I have spent the past 11hrs trying not to injure myself in an attempt to end the pain that is known as staying awake all night at work. everyone else got a 2-3 HOUR nap. i got 2 mins on the nursing desk. fair?
one of my patients decided to speed up the dying process. i did all i was able to do and called RN Ess to give her expert opinion. she said she'd call the family. and the doctor. the doctor was actually in the building so she sent him down.

it is 6am. i havent slept. my patient is dying and i cant hear the doctor's orders to me.
RN Ess double checks them for me.
the doctor, Dr. Chicken Legs, comes down to my med cart. i think he's going to laugh at me. RN Ess tells him i couldnt hear him because he speaks so softly. (atropine, atrovent, what's the difference?!?!) i tell him i couldnt hear him through his moustache.

it is 6am. i havent slept. i'm trying to give some medications STAT but i cant decipher the orders through Dr. Chicken Legs' sound-absorbing porn moustache. i'm rapidly scribbling down a note so i dont forget later. Dr.Chicken Legs walks up to me, pulls my pen out of my hand, puts it right back in, and continues walking. i stare at it, confused. i couldnt see any difference to how it is from how it had been.

slowly, i turn around and ask him spacedly....
me: why did you move my pen?
dr. chicken legs: because you looked like a baboon.

he hurries back to emerg and i'm left standing in disbelief. RN Ess, did he just call me a baboon?
she has vowed to never let this one die down.

RN Ess makes me march out to emerg to clarify the order with Dr. Chicken Legs because he ordered an atypical dose (not that i would know, having never given this drug before. its pretty much a code drug. i thought it was a DR-administered drug.).

me: i just need to know if you want zero-point-five or zero-point-six and how you want it given
dr. chicken legs: blah blah blah baboons blah lack of opposable thumbs blah blah
me: ZERO-POINT-FIVE OR ZERO-POINT-SIX???? IM, SC, or IV??
dr. chicken legs: so do you know how to give 0.5?
me: i can do it. i just want to know HOW
dr. chicken legs: so first you draw up 6ml...
me: i KNOW how to give 0.5. DO YOU WANT IT IV?
dr. chicken legs: blah blah baboons blah blah 6ml
me: look. i have a patient who REALLY needs this med. zero. point. five. IV. slow push. OOOOOKKKKKKKK??

its 645am. i havent finished charting or given my report. Dr. Chicken Legs is telling me about baboons in general and baboons in his home country. He would never hire anyone who writes like a baboon. I guess its a good thing he doesnt pay my salary...

formal notice

Dear David,

It is with a heavy heart that i write to inform you of your recent unfortunate loss.
We exhausted all of our abilities but were unable to prevent the loss of your bet. A bet involving a fish.

While we are deeply sorry for your loss, we must inform you nevertheless that your account is still due in full according to the conditions agreed upon by yourself.

Sincerely,
Jane

hein?

if there is no such thing as spontaneous generation,
from where does something like love come?

strange dreams

i've been having (and remembering) strange dreams as of late.

this is part of my dream last night:

i had gone back to UBC. Anastasia and i were taking the bus together, which was nice since they moved the bus loop and i wasnt sure which was my stop. I also wasnt sure where my stop was because i hadnt written down where my classes were. Typical anxiety dream. So i found my first class online and showed up. I was a little weighted down because for some reason i felt compelled to cart my guitar around with me. And a knapsack full of school supplies only i didnt remember all my textbooks. There were several for my course in the History of Women in American Business. No idea why i signed up for that. I had of course neglected to pack the text for my first class. I had been to class the first week but had missed week 2 because i had to go out of town ("fishin'") and was horrified to learn that i had missed the drop deadline. I was desperate to drop this evil class on torture that was pretending to be a chem class. Anyways, my first class of the day was Spanish Math. Yes, Spanish MATH. Clearly everyone needs to take a math class in spanish. I couldnt remember having signed up for it but when i remembered the large emphasis there had been the first week on learning our numbers in Spanish, i realized it made sense. Only, while i was trying to hide behind my classmates because i was totally lost, having not done last week's homework, the girl 2 seats behind me (who was an old friend from high school) answered the questions in Afrikaans. I was so confused.
And then it was time for a sing-a-long. We all sang Kingston Town in English and then in Spanish even though the song is about Jamaica. It had an old-school video with it from the seventies which reminded me of the one to the song about teaching the world to sing (i think it later became a coke commercial)

And that was my dream. Its about as strange as the one i had the night before during which i had a desperate need to find a mcdonald's in my town. I was so desperate i was becoming ill. It was awful. I think i should stop watching tv so i dont see commercials. Wouldnt want to re-trigger that dream. I'd hate for it to become a recurring dream like the one i used to have about a snowman and some aliens following me home.

a few things

01 - Easter Parade is an enjoyable film

02 - today i found myself in a shack in the back lot of a random store on the side of the highway. The shack was filled with knives.

03 - today i experienced my first busker here in town. he was next to what i believe is the Smallest Park in Canada. I couldnt hear him over the busy main street traffic (shocking, i know!) but he was still a nice sight. perhaps this is an early sign of summer.

04 - things are much nicer now with the greening of the grass. especially when its freshly cut and thus nicely scents the air.

the jacqui fish

gone fishin'

two things

1) living in a town with its own time zone that ignores daylight savings = cool

2) teenagers with a tendency to stop breathing (especially drunk bloody ones that spit and pee all over the place) = not cool

full house

total new admissions: 10
total inpatients: 23

Favourite New Admission
Name: Sponge, Bobby
Age: 3 years
Diagnosis: Square Pants

today's highlights

earning the wide-spread reputation of The Evil Nurse

being asked if i'm the Head Nurse because everyone else seems to defer to me

free butterscotch pudding

having a patient stroke my face

being offered a part in the summer shakespeare production (based solely on my reputation?! and without anything resembling an audition)

the price of whine

work was good.
then hectic.
then painfully slow.
then insane.

last week i was whining about how long i had to work there before they'd give me a mailbox/cubbyhole like everyone else. i got one 2 hours later.

today i was whining about how i dont get any mail in my mail box but a piece of paper i put in there so my box wouldnt be empty. i came back from lunch to find not one, not two, but THREE letters for me in my mailbox. it was like warm fuzzies. it was like Camp love notes. There were stickers! And Official Mailbox Secret Initiation notes from the LPN students.

and we had a cookie taste-test.
and i made us all tea.

and then everyone suddenly turned really sick. but you cant have it all go swimmingly along all the time, now can you?!

Dr. T tried to convince me to do a procedure for him. No way, josé. He tried to make me do one for him during my second week at the hospital. And then he kept whining. Finally i said to him "why are you so whiny today? suck it up. act like a man. and do your job."
the ER nurse said he was looking for sympathy.
i told the doctor "you arent going to find it here. i'm the mean one. i'll give you 2 minutes to read the procedure, get organized, then i'm coming back and we're doing it." Sometimes you just have to be firm with them. Like with children.
He looks like shit. I told him he looked awful. He does. He took all 3 ER shifts today and tonight. I think he's avoiding his family.

then they will put on the lights and the sirens

this is how my day was supposed to go: wake up early in prep for dayshift tomorrow, lounge about reading, go to the grocery store, go to crafts day, go to the library, do some cooking to take to work for lunches and dinners this week, watch tv, go to bed early.

this is how today went:

0625. the phone rings. i am already awake but looking for motivation to stay awake so i can sleep early tonight (going to bed at 2am before a dayshift is not good).

me: hello?
person: oh hi its so-and-so from scheduling. would you like to work 4 hours of overtime this morning?
me: uh... at 0700?
person: yes.
me: so, in like 30mins?
person: yes.
me: ok.

i have 15mins to get out the door for work. this includes an absolutely necessary shower, dressing, and breakfast. i agreed to the shift because i knew the LPN students were in so they'd have my patients, its OVERTIME, it would keep me from going back to sleep, and i would be done early enough for crafts day and grocery shopping.
i had a considerably smaller breakfast than i usually do but i wasnt worried because it was only 4 hrs and i could have a yogurt on my coffee break.

i get to work. my boss strongly encourages me to apply for her old position.
i'm on surgical side (no cardiacs! woohoo!). the students have all my patients. my boss gives me the maternity patient. argh! no panic! i'll just read the chart and ask her for help on running a non-stress test and interpreting fetal heart rhythms...

my patient is a minor, its her first pregnancy, she's 30 weeks along, with possible rupture of membranes (her "water" may have broken). great.
she was supposed to be flown out last night but the air ambulance couldnt land. the plane was coming back this morning to send her to kamloops. i only had to keep her stable for 3 hours, tops.

my boss showed me the monitor. the baby doctor came in for a report and took her off the monitor (phew. i dont know how to read that thing anyways) and said i didnt need to take another printout from it before she left. good good.

i'm waiting for the ambulance.
the RN that's supposed to take over for me after 4 hours calls to say she's running behind and i'll need to stay 5 hrs. this is ok because Dr. Bushman was going to do a thoracentesis (poke a hole into the chest to remove fluids) on one of the patients i was supervising (the students did all the direct care except IVs) at lunchtime so if i stayed 5 hours i would get to see it. this could be a good day!

the air ambulance doesnt show up.
i'm getting antsy for my coffee break but i dont want to go until my patient is shipped out.
i call them and they are in the process of landing at the town airport and will arrive at the hospital in 15mins. sweet! i get my patient all ready. our local ambulance team shows up. the plane didnt land in town. they landed in The City and now we have to send the patient by road ambulance on an hour and a half trip down a very bumpy road.

road ambulance girl (rag): does she need a nurse escort?
me: oh, i dont know. i'll ask my boss.

me: hey boss, does she need a nurse escort to go to The City?
boss: i dont know. best call the doctor and ask her.

me: hello doctor. the plane didnt land in town so we have to send your patient up by ambulance to The City. Do you want a nurse escort?
doctor: has she had any cramping or contractions or tightening or pressure?
me: no.
doctor: who's the crew? is it one of ours or is it from The City?
me: its one of ours.
doctor: do they feel comfortable taking her all the way to The City themselves?
me: uh....
doctor: would you like me to speak with them?
me: YES!

RAG doesnt feel comfortable taking a 30week maternity patient down a bumpy road without a nurse. many a thing has happened because of the length and severity of the bumpy road.
The doctor suggests an ambulance from The City meet them halfway with the special Baby Team. The local crew say ok.

my boss says i can go too since they are only going halfway and since the patient is pretty stable and since i've never been on an ambulance transfer and this would be a good one to go on for a bit of an idea of what to expect if i am ever required to go on one.

me: really? i can go?
boss: yes. i'll just get you the Disaster Bag...
me: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
boss: ha ha! i knew you'd say that. i was just kidding.

and then she got out the Disaster Bag. Officially its the "infant emergency transfer bag" but essentially its in case a disaster happens along the way.

me: hey boss, what should i watch for? what could possibly happen on a 90-min drive?
boss: she goes into labour and you have to deliver the baby at the side of the road.
me: oh.
boss: i'll pack the Doppler too so you can listen to the fetal heart rate.

and then she told me what to do if she starts going into pre-labour.
and how to deliver a baby.
and they will put on the lights and the sirens.

i figure, no problem. i know what could happen. i know what to do. we're only going halfway to town. and i have extra hands because one of the LPN students is coming along to observe.

we load the patient into the ambulance.
we all climb in.
their radio goes off and Dispatch tells them they've cancelled The City ambulance that was to meet them halfway with the Baby Team since they now have a nurse with them. whoa. surely they'll tell them we still need the Baby Team. I'm not a maternity nurse. I've never been in an ambulance before. But no. They close the doors and we pull out.

RAG: so we're going all the way to The City.
me: will you bring me home? i dont have any money (if it isnt the local ambulance, they dont always bring you home and then you are stuck in The City or on the other side of The Pass or in another province because who brings money to work with them when there is nothing to buy at or around the hospital?)
RAG: ok.
me: does the hospital know i am going all the way to The City?
RAG: hey! RAB (road ambulance boy)! Tell the nurses station that we're going to The City.

we made it to The City. No one puked (i was starting to feel green though. combination lack of sleep, insufficient breakfast, no coffee break, no lunch, and sitting sideways). The patient remained calm and uneventful. they loaded her on the plane, we watched them take off, and headed for home.

one of the most important duties of an RN who goes on an ambulance transfer to The City is that she must bring back Timbits for the nurses. AHHHHHHH! I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY. I'm the most juniour RN on staff. The most inexperienced. There was no way they would have ever sent me on an ambulance transfer so i never packed emergency money.

luckily RAB is a nice guy and he bought Timbits for us to give to the nurses back at the hospital.

i was sitting in the back chatting to the LPN when suddenly, i felt positively vile. i had a sudden flashback to Christmas 2002 (the awful spanokopita food poisoning incident). i think i am going to puke. i was so embarassed. i didnt want to puke. especially in the back of the ambulance on my first transfer. its ok if its the middle of the winter and your an 8-month pregnant RN who's tranferring a patient. but i'm not. the LPN passed me the barf container and switched seats with me.
no puking.

i got back to work and reported in to my boss.

boss: do you hate me?
me: what? why? boss.... why should i hate you?
boss: i stressed to them that you were a nurse with not a lot of experience but they insisted on cancelling the Baby Team's ambulance. when i heard them say you were going to go all the way to The City i thought you would hate me.

ha! the patient didnt crash. i didnt puke. i've experienced my first ambulance ride-along. i got 7 hours of overtime. why be mad?

gee thanks

this is how i started off my shift:
as i was heading to work, a boy on the street yelled across to me that i was ugly.

naturally i showed up feeling fabulous about myself. especially remembering the whole stupid junior nurse thing.

and there was a locum on last night (a doctor from out of town who was working here. one night only) and she was super nice and friendly and i just felt like a big dork. Especially because she would ask me all these questions about my patients that i couldnt answer because they were new to me that night and there wasnt any history on them and the report from the previous shift was shoddy and i cant read into the rationale behind the messed up orders of other doctors.

but my patient who was essentially comatose last i saw her, said HELLO BEAUTIFUL, HELLO GORGEOUS, HELLO SEXY every time i entered her room.

.... rant??...

it started out ok.

"JV, do you want to go work down in emerg with betsy?"

Yes!

"JV, can you assist me with this procedure?"

Yes!
I assisted Dr. Chicken Legs with a surgical procedure. A minor one. I got to hold the ear while he cut part of it off, including the cartilage. And he was in a good mood and explained it all to me. I still cant always understand him for his foreign accent and porn moustache.

And i gave lots of kids stickers and then they all loved me.

And then Dr. Bushman said he was sending over a patient from his office for a test that he figured was negative and to send him back if it was. We treated him immediately but not as seriously as we should have since Dr. Bushman had only ordered a minimal of tests. Turns out the guy had been having chest pain for over 24hrs and had had a major heart attack and we needed to thrombolyze him which meant he had to be moved STAT to the ICU room and be specialed by a nurse.

"JV, they want you to go special the patient being thrombolyzed"

Are you kidding? Me? What?

"well, it would be good for you to watch. And your old mentor will second you."

So i went. And it was ok. And i wasnt scared. And i asked lots of questions. And was a dork because of it, i'm sure. And asked for help. And my patient was alive when i had left.

And i left 4 hours late (alright overtime! boo 16 hour day!) because they couldnt find an extra staff member who could come in and be the Special Nurse for nightshift. And since i was planning to stay up all night tonight as i switch to nightshift tomorrow night, i said i would stay until 2300. The unit clerk gave me lime sherbert for dinner.

Only

the thing is

other nurses kept asking me how i felt being the ICU nurse and specialing him. it seems some of them thought i should have refused to do it. apparently because i am a JUNIOR NURSE i should have said no and made my old mentor do it and taken over her entire patient load. but apparently i'm not supposed to feel bad about it and its not a question of me not being a good nurse but i shouldnt let them push me into i because my license isnt worth it.

Ok. They want me to work in emerg. I shouldnt work in emerg because i'm a Junior Nurse and dont know what they do and dont have the same experience and skills that they do. But if i dont go down there and experience things, how am i ever to be able to do them?

If i dont learn about specialing, how am i to be able to do it when i am no longer a Jr. Nurse?

I feel stupid because of all the mistakes i made today. I feel stupid for being a Junior Nurse. I feel stupid for not saying no to specialing. I feel stupid for being really argumentative with the new Doctor today (but i thought he was wrong and being a jerk about it and he friggin wouldnt make a decision. MAKE A GODDAMN DECISION. YOU'RE THE DOCTOR. YOU GIVE THE ORDERS. NOT THE NURSES. i shall not look into your eyes. you shall not distract me with your inebriating blue eyes.). I feel stupid for being too tired to figure out if i am upset or not about being a Jr. Nurse and specialing and doing things wrong and not knowing things.

fresh meat

there's a new doctor in town!

he started tonight.

i was the first nurse to meet him. i told him to be nice to the nurses and learn their names. he can stay since he was ok with that and he brought cookies.

i also like him because he doesnt tower over me like the other doctors. in fact, i may just be taller than him. and i'm not afraid to tell him what to do. but i'm a little embarassed to admit that i actually caught myself checking out his butt. i couldnt help it! it was in my way! it was at eye level! i think it's been a long day.

apparently he only works tonight and tomorrow and the he goes back to some other ER hole. maybe we can wow him into coming back. this would be good as there is talk of the doctors withdrawing their services from the ER.

speaking of ER, yours truly was in the ER all day today. The LPN students were here again today and since i had sent out my one patient yesterday, i had zero of my own. They were short an RN in emerg so i went to help out. and never made it back. Dr. Chicken Legs and i were in an argument over whether the ER was busy or steady. He said steady but he doesnt do all the stuff we do. Doctors! Geez!

but it was a really great shift. There was an LPN in emerg with us so for once i wasnt the least knowledgeable person there. and i'm starting to learn where things are. and 2 of the doctors were really good at teaching me things today. and Dr. Bushman, who can be a strange strange man, didnt scare me. The LPN student told him he scared her. He asked me if i was stressed and i said no, but are you going to make me stressed? He promised he wouldnt. Great. And then i was mean to him. and i had to yell at him to focus. it was a fun time. seriously.

and there was cake! it was the birthday of the other ER nurse. mmm free cake!

tomorrow i am back on the ward. when i left tonight we were in the process of admitting patient #22. We are a maxiumum 20 bed facility.... hmm... 20 beds... 22 patients...
and there are no students tomorrow. I shall have at least 10 patients. I am highly skeptical that tomorrow will be a great day.

nine minus eight

one!

ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE!

The LPN students took 8 of my patients today. That left me, most gratefully, with one whole patient. And boy, was he a cutie! He was a 6 month-old who was the size of a 2 or 3 month old. He was in isolation (and in the hospital) because his scar from the open heart surgery he had in edmonton (for tetralogy of fallot, for those who want to know more) was infected. We hung out while his momma was in the shower. It was the best!

He started fussing while i was changing his sleeper so i picked him up and was trying to lull him into complacency when the Dr. stuck his head in and said to me "you have to get a husband first" and then left again. Freak! He just came back from holidays. I think he must have gone camping because he clearly hasnt shaved in several days and his looming tallness and hairyness makes him look like an urban bushman/sasquatch relative (henchforth he shall be Dr. Bushman). I think we are in sasquatch country...

My baby was sent back out to edmonton by air ambulance. AIR AMBULANCE. Finally, i can meet a Dave. Or so i thought. Apparently all the air ambulance guys are named Dave and are easy on the eyes. The one i met was not named Dave and he didnt exactly fit that description. Nice enough fellow though.

EUREEKA!

i would like to have been able to report that i found the missing box of nails. i have not. In fact, i have put it down for dead and finally gave in to buying another box.
i went to the crazy tropical general store to buy some nails... and they gave them to me for free! sweet! free nails! and they arent even rusty!

Small Town Trees

During some recent walks about town, i have come across a few things which i found fascinating.

#1) walnut tree.

I'm not ashamed to admit that i didnt know that walnuts grew on trees. I've never know anyone with a walnut tree. I figured they grew on a mysterious shubbery-plant thing like peanuts. I cant wait for it to come into season so i can marvel at it!

#2) people tree

Yes, there is a tree with people on it. Lots and lots of people dangling eerily from the branches. I of course had to make this discovery when it was dark and i was on the wrong side of the tracks, behind the brewery, quasi-lost.

Its a good thing it was Dr. Chicken Legs...

i picked up a nightshift last night. i thought it would be ok because when i left in the morning yesterday, we had a good census (low number of patients) and some of them were scheduled to go home. And my friend C-A was the LPN on duty and i hadnt worked with her in forever and she plays games with me so we were both excited.
i forgot about the friday factor.
there always seems to be a whole whack load of admissions on fridays during the day. its extra work because pharmacy is gone so they dont have their own meds poured and we have to be the pharmacist and there arent regular Dr rounds in the morning so everything is messy and make-do.
my side of the ward wasnt full but it was full enough. and i had a patient in isolation. such an inconvenience. and things kept coming up (like the incubator for the premie with jaundice kept alarming) so it was 10pm before i had given my 8pm meds. and one of my patients wouldnt come out of the bathroom.
but we were managing.

and then.
a nurse called from home to say she heard an ambulance go screaming past her house. this is not a good sign.
and then the ER nurse called down to ask the other RN for backup because the ambulance was bringing in an MVA (motor vehical accident).
and that left me with the whole ward. i hate when this happens. especially when there are people with bad hearts.
but we were managing.

the RN came back from ER after a rather short time and i started grilling her for info. i'd never had an MVA or any sort of trauma patient come in before. why dont you go down and look? she said.
friday nights are extra paper work nights and i was far behind. but all my patients were in bed and medicated so i passed them off to C-A and went to see my first MVA!
I've come to help, i said.
Great! The RN put me to work right away. Besides the MVA, she had a lady with a possible broken leg and the doctor, Dr. Chicken Legs, was in the process of draining blood from around her knee. i was a little sad that i had missed it. I always miss the cool things, like the night before when the doctor pulled a piece of metal out of someone's eye.
but then i got to assist with the MVA and that was very educational because he had a severely dislocated elbow and Dr. C-L used this crazy contraption from the OR to freeze his arm and then he pulled it back into place!
It was a good thing it was Dr. C-L last night because things got busier and he's a pretty calm guy (unlike the Dr. on dayshift who's highstrung and admits everyone. Because of him i had a patient in with a slight fever!! Who does that?!) and he's very resourceful and he was in a teaching mood so he patiently explained to me the different layers visible in the MVA's head laceration as he sutured it up. And that was cool. And very nice of him. I didnt like when he kept asking me to get him things. It was nice that he knows my name and doesnt ignore me because i'm the newest nurse, but not nice because i dont know where anything is in the trauma room. i've never been in there before. i dont know what he means when he says he wants some 2%. you want some milk? or when he says he wants some 2% without. Without what? But my mentor says this is how you learn. and she's right. i should be grateful. he never yelled at me or lost his patience and i did experience quite a lot.
The MVA was a drunk driver. I had no sympathy for him or his injuries. Does this make me a bad nurse? The ER nurse says no. I'd like to agree. I mean, i'll still treat him to the best of my abilities but there will always be a little part of me thinking that he brought it upon himself. Maybe the loss of his finger will be a motivator to clean up.

A momma called to warn us that she was bringing in her 5 month-old with breathing problems. She's all yours, the ER nurse said. (she doesnt like babies). The baby was super sweet and she seemed to be breathing ok to me. I liked that it was my responsibility to triage her. And the next child that came in. He sliced open his finger trying to cut a mango by himself. He wasnt supposed to be using knives alone. After seeing his finger wide open, i think he'll think twice about doing things without parental supervision.

I never realized that the ER nurse didnt like the ER. She had always seemed like a very competent and capable individual to me. Mind you, she also gets rather anxious. And doesnt like babies. She wont touch them at all. Categorically refuses. And bloody things like gaping head wounds make her ill. But she doesnt like the ER. And neither do i (come on! I've only been an RN for a week and a half! Does it really seem like a good idea to stick me in my obivious green-ness out there?! Critical thinking, people!).
But we managed.
Essentially what neither of us like about the ER is that they stick you out there ALL. BY. YOUR. SELF. And this just seems like a really bad idea, no matter how skilled you are. But since i was there, that made two nurses in the ER so it ended up being ok. And she didnt baby me. She trusted me to attend to new patients as they walked in and trusted my judgment to ask for help when needed. And she's right. I can do that. I dont need her supervision for someone coming in for a pre-scheduled IV antibiotic treatment. I do those all the time on the ward independently.

i returned to the ward and my paperwork several hours later. i was tired and headachy from dehydration and low glucose. but i was excited for all the new things i had experienced and the patience of my colleagues.

it was 2am. the doctor had just gone home. C-A informed me that one of my patients wanted a sleeping pill. I am not calling a doctor at 2am for a sleeping pill. no. no. no. But the other ward RN had just called him about insulin and told me he was still awake. i gave in and paged him.

Dr: yes?
me: oh hello doctor. are you sleeping?
Dr: no
me: oh good. can we get a sleeping pill for my patient in with pneumonia? (actually, this was the patient that was admitted with a fever. Its beause Dr.A.P had been on. The "a" is for admission.)
Dr: no.
me: NO?
Dr: fine. What's he like? Is he a big man? A little man?
me: uh... well... (shoot! shoot! shoot! how do i describe someone i've seen once briefly several hours ago and i'm too tired to think of how to even spell my own name?) well, he is shorter than you, but wider than you!
RN standing behind me: ha ha ha ha ha!
Dr: tell her i heard that! ha ha ha!

it became the best joke of the night. He's shorter than you, but wider than you!

and then i did all my paperwork and C-A and i played crib. she cheated.

you know it has been a busy night when you go home and then have strange anxiety dreams that you are still at work.