.... rant??...

it started out ok.

"JV, do you want to go work down in emerg with betsy?"

Yes!

"JV, can you assist me with this procedure?"

Yes!
I assisted Dr. Chicken Legs with a surgical procedure. A minor one. I got to hold the ear while he cut part of it off, including the cartilage. And he was in a good mood and explained it all to me. I still cant always understand him for his foreign accent and porn moustache.

And i gave lots of kids stickers and then they all loved me.

And then Dr. Bushman said he was sending over a patient from his office for a test that he figured was negative and to send him back if it was. We treated him immediately but not as seriously as we should have since Dr. Bushman had only ordered a minimal of tests. Turns out the guy had been having chest pain for over 24hrs and had had a major heart attack and we needed to thrombolyze him which meant he had to be moved STAT to the ICU room and be specialed by a nurse.

"JV, they want you to go special the patient being thrombolyzed"

Are you kidding? Me? What?

"well, it would be good for you to watch. And your old mentor will second you."

So i went. And it was ok. And i wasnt scared. And i asked lots of questions. And was a dork because of it, i'm sure. And asked for help. And my patient was alive when i had left.

And i left 4 hours late (alright overtime! boo 16 hour day!) because they couldnt find an extra staff member who could come in and be the Special Nurse for nightshift. And since i was planning to stay up all night tonight as i switch to nightshift tomorrow night, i said i would stay until 2300. The unit clerk gave me lime sherbert for dinner.

Only

the thing is

other nurses kept asking me how i felt being the ICU nurse and specialing him. it seems some of them thought i should have refused to do it. apparently because i am a JUNIOR NURSE i should have said no and made my old mentor do it and taken over her entire patient load. but apparently i'm not supposed to feel bad about it and its not a question of me not being a good nurse but i shouldnt let them push me into i because my license isnt worth it.

Ok. They want me to work in emerg. I shouldnt work in emerg because i'm a Junior Nurse and dont know what they do and dont have the same experience and skills that they do. But if i dont go down there and experience things, how am i ever to be able to do them?

If i dont learn about specialing, how am i to be able to do it when i am no longer a Jr. Nurse?

I feel stupid because of all the mistakes i made today. I feel stupid for being a Junior Nurse. I feel stupid for not saying no to specialing. I feel stupid for being really argumentative with the new Doctor today (but i thought he was wrong and being a jerk about it and he friggin wouldnt make a decision. MAKE A GODDAMN DECISION. YOU'RE THE DOCTOR. YOU GIVE THE ORDERS. NOT THE NURSES. i shall not look into your eyes. you shall not distract me with your inebriating blue eyes.). I feel stupid for being too tired to figure out if i am upset or not about being a Jr. Nurse and specialing and doing things wrong and not knowing things.