nothing like having to take home personal belongings in a biohazard bag

for awhile today it seemed as if the only thing i was eating was my words.

after yesterday's bad day, i said today could possibly be any worse.

one word: trauma.

i was at a disadvantage because i'd never dealt directly with one before.
i was at an advantage because i dont have children of my own.

bad.


day.


the end was in sight.
the grey clouds of doom were beginning to dissipate.
then i put my leg in a puddle of pee.

i'm ok, you're ok?

i've been asked often enough the past few days, weeks, how things are now that i'm back in Small Town.

ok.

fine.

pretty good.


today i reorganized my fridge.
what does this say about me and my life here?

me? i work at the circus

Oh Nightshifts, how i've missed you!

my friend the LPN declared me a freak. which is perfect since another coworker and i decided that we work in a circus!

lately the doctors are admitting people for rather silly reasons (either because they are tired, on crack, or are punishing us nurses). last night was no exception

a patient yelled at me for being too nice

the power was out at the hospital for most of the night

i had to run down the street to where the doctor on call was staying because she wasnt answering the phone and we needed her

brevity of life

twas my second day back at the hospital.

day one was really dull. my boss didnt give me any patients so that i could "ease back into things". but none of the other nurses had a full load so no one needed my help and i spent the day looking for ways to look busy and bugging the nurses and doctors in the ER. i'm really good at it. the bugging part.

i saw dr. bushman, who looked at me and said "you're back. WHY????? Why did you come back???". thanks.

today i had my own patients. but there were only 3 of them and they did not keep me busy.
Dr. Chickenlegs came by in the morning as i was pouring meds and leaned over my shoulder and said "hello. why are you here?".

what is it with these south african male professionals? i'm here because i work here and if i'm not here, i dont get paid. way to make a girl feel welcomed.

so today was almost as uneventful as the first day. except we had an afternoon tea party with a nice pot of orange pekoe and strawberry shortcake.
it was a jolly good time.
near the end, i went down to answer a call from one of my patients. i stopped at the ladies' room on the way back & when i got to the nursing desk, there was no one there.
where did everyone else go?

we have these new personal verbal communicators. they're like the twenty-first century version of the communicators from star trek. now we no longer have to yell down the hall or use the overhead hospital-wide paging system to get help or find another staff member.
so a trauma came in and the ER nurse was alone because her partner had gone on an ambulance transfer with a sick toddler to another town and so she called for backup from all staff. only it was over the communicators and i dont have one yet because i'm "not in the system" so they all ran to save the day and i came back and had to man the ward as its never supposed to be left without a nurse.

this changed the entire atmosphere of the hospital.
we know Death.
Death came to our ward last night. but we had expected it.
today, Death just drove on in unannounced. there were no warning signs.
a blink.
a soul departed.

death is not just death.
yes, they are all sad. but some dont affect us in the same way (which is good or as nurses we'd snap pretty early in our careers). this one caught us unawares. this one invovled someone in my own age group. this one was difficult because we were not allowed to clean the body or make it more presentable in any way until the coroner came from the city to investigate as it was a sudden, traumatic event. and the coroner would not be arriving in a jiffy as he had to drive into town and see another case first. this meant that the person's loved ones saw them in a state that was so... altered... that internalizing it was overwhelming.
the challenge was accepting our inability to help.
we couldnt make the person healthy.
we couldnt comfort the family.
we were powerless.

typical!

i once made fun of my friend Paul's sheets because they were brown. BROWN!
who owns brown sheets?! willingly?!

yesterday i went into the city to do a bit of shopping.
i bought sheets.
brown ones.

just a day

i broke a plate this morning.

last night my friend David suggested i buy a cheap plate and smash it. the plate broke of its own accord in a sink full of hot sudsy water. i didn't get to smash it myself. i feel cheated.

my last summer paycheque came in.

i went to the bookstore and the used bookstore knowing i could buy myself a book or two. i bought nothing.

i met one of my neighbours that i didn't even know lived in my building. she's probably 70 years old. Her daughter is the secretary at Dr. Bushman's office.

i went to the grocery store to buy a chicken for dinner. "would you like potatoes with your chicken breast, ma'am" asked the doe-eyed newbie at the deli counter. "No, i want a WHOLE chicken." Oh god, i hope i don't turn into the girl in Girl, Interrupted who would eat a whole chicken and keep the carcasses under her bed.


at the store i ran into the Trumpet from band. she didn't seem convinced when i said "i'm not working on monday so i'll definitely be there". she ran into me a few minutes later in another aisle and reminded me again that i am welcomed to come back.

they are doing renovations (that's what they say but a cashier told me they are making the store smaller) to the grocery store so today they had some ridiculous sales on. I got 8kgs of rice for $7. And a jar of my favourite pickles for 99 cents!

the grocery man gave me a free scoop of chocolate covered espresso beans. i think it was so i would stop giggling at him and another man who were comparing their recipes for fruit dip.

my sister called me to thank me for parcel of useless items i sent her this week.

concord grapes.

i like the sound my laptop makes as i type away on it. makes me feel brilliant.

i like not capitalizing things and not being chastised by anyone about it. (though it may make Anastasia cringe. which i think i could understand because i cringe when they use incorrect grammar on television. especially when its written!)

i like the look of the wooden shelf i hung in the art corner in a gravity- and geometry-defying manner. i'd like to thank the lady at the hardware store who suggested the hardware without really understanding what i was doing.

i don't like that the man at the hardware store didn't have the kind of saw i wanted and seemed not to understand that sometimes a girl just needs a saw.

i like the taste of butter on baguette bought solely for eating with butter.

i like that i reorganized my kitchen cupboards and now have a secret treat drawer.

i like that i'm still technically on holidays (even though i am back at home) and can stay up late reading chic lit (guilty pleasure) because i need to "test out" the bed i now have in the art room.

i don't like that is december-cold in my place.

i don't like that i check the mail box (and inbox) expectantly, frequently, even though there isn't any reason for there to be anything good.

i don't like that i cant remember how to cook.
ok, lie. one cant forget how to cook if one never really knew how to cook.

i don't like that i'm addicted to buying books (and books on CD) and there's no discount bookstore in town. or even in the nearest "big" city.

i like that my mom was right about the duvet cover. It does look nice after all. Mind you, i'm hard-pressed at this instance to think of a example of when my mom was wrong about something (with respect to giving me advice).

i like being able to send parcels in the mail to people just because i can.

i like that the biggest news in town is the upcoming referendum for a community rec centre (come on indoor pool!) and that i can spend my morning in the dentist's office chatting to the receptionist about it and not even be there to see the dentist.

i don't like that one of the bakeries in town has closed and that a Bargain! shop is opening. we already have a Fields and a Saan - do we need another store of cheap-quality items? Just because we're a small town doesn't necessarily mean that we like to buy crap. As evil as Wal-Mart may be, is it any worse than any other chain store? It at least would offer us more of what we need.

i like that i can spend time making up lists on my blog and not have to go study.

i like that if i want to study, i can. just for fun!

Fall Smells of a Bouquet of Freshly-Sharpened Pencils

sometimes i wish i was going back to school.
Oh the newness of people and ideas and classes and school supplies!
Oh the fun of setting up house.

i've taken to setting up house for other people instead.
i've taken to packing and unpacking and rearranging people's belongings in their absence.
its a flurry of activity to fill the void left by the blur that was Summer.